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Connect with Cat

📲 Instagram: @iamcatmansfield & @harmonia.health

Episode Transcript

Ryann

Hello everybody! Welcome back. Oh my gosh. I…okay, today’s really special because I have Cat here with us and Kat and I went to college together, which is…it’s just surreal. We were just chatting about…it has been six years since we’ve seen each other, but with social media. I mean, it feels like it hasn’t been that long, but this is a really cool episode because Cat is coming on to share her story and I definitely never knew that she was struggling when we were friends back in college. And I don’t know, could you tell that I was struggling?

Cat

No, I had no idea.

Ryann

Which is, it just blows my mind because I was like, oh my god, everybody knows. Everybody knows because I’m constantly gaining weight, losing weight, whatever. But anyway, I’m so excited for you to share your story and just thank you so much for taking the time to be here today.

Cat

Yeah, thank you so much for having me on. And yeah, like you mentioned, I mean, just briefly, it is so wild. Like, I would never have known, but it’s also because, like, I don’t think anyone knew me either because I was trying so hard. Like, everything I did was to convince people that I was okay. Convincing that, like, I was totally normal around food, I was totally like, loved myself, you know, like just convince people of just a complete false reality, like it was literally living the opposite. So I’m not surprised that nobody knew because I was bending over backwards every single day to make sure that there was no trace. It’s so gnarly.

Ryann

And I feel like what’s not talked about a lot is the double life living that you just talked about, where it is literally living a double life.

Cat

Yeah and you go out of your way to like orchestrate different like interactions and get out of certain interactions all so that you can just like keep this facade of like no no no I’m good like I actually just can’t go to that dinner because I have something else going on when it’s like no I’m actually just sitting at home because I’m like too scared to go and not ordering from my friends. You just go out of your way to manipulate everything so that you can feel safe and it gets exhausting. Like it is exhausting.

Ryann

Oh my gosh, okay, so take us through. Take us through the story of like when things first started to shift for you. Like when you started to kind of become more aware of your body, maybe change your food a little bit. And then when you were like, whoa, I need to change and where you’re at now.

Cat

Here we go, buckle up. So, when I first became aware of my body and like the fact that it was something that people attribute worth to and value to, when I was legitimately seven, fifth grade, whatever age that is, maybe that’s a little bit older, eight. And yeah, I remember it was like fifth grade physical fitness testing, if anyone else remembers that, so gnarly. And yeah, I was just like an overweight kid and couldn’t really make it through any of the physical fitness testing and then they weigh you and then they… and it’s pretty public, like everybody knows what other kids are, where they are on like the statistics and your body index and whatnot. And I remember it just becoming very clear that I wasn’t in the same like category as a lot of the other girls and I was like, okay.

And then I started to get bullied a lot in like middle school. And I feel like that was really, obviously that was really pivotal, but it really just created this belief of like, the only way to be loved is to be physically beautiful in this body. And by that, like literally just to be skinny. Like if I’m skinny, then I will be loved and I will have friends and I’ll stop being bullied and that was just the only association I’d made in my brain at that age like that’s all I all I could come up with is like I’m not worthy of anything unless I’m skinny and yeah it’s like a 10 11 year old like that’s a lot and then I made this decision I was in eighth grade I made this decision to run a marathon like SRLA students run LA it’s a program and because I was just so sick of being bullied, I was so sick of really just loathing my body.

And at this point, I was already starting to hide food. I was already starting to, yeah, just compare what I ate to other people and starting to limit what I eat at, you know, 10 years old. Like that, I don’t even, I don’t know anything about food or nutrition or anything. I’m just like, okay, I think I have to eat a lot less. So I’ll just minimize calories to like 500, you know, at like age 11, 12, when you’re supposed to be going through like these hormonal changes and coming into your body and like, cool, let me just completely shred my metabolism. So um, yeah, that was eighth grade. And so I was like, I’m gonna do this a healthy way, I’m going to train for a marathon. And so I did, and I ran a marathon that took like a year of training.

When I first started, I couldn’t even like run the lap around a truck and then by the end of the year I ran a marathon but I still weirdly nothing really changed like I and it’s mostly because my eating habits had not changed like my activity had increased I was still binging I was still hiding food I was still you know not eating on a regular consistent basis it was still just a very unhealthy relationship with food so my body was still out of whack. And I remember going through that and being like, I just ran a freaking marathon and I still don’t love my body, screw this. So that’s when I kind of, I remember the exact day, remember the exact place I was, I just made the decision, in that moment, I’m going to stop eating. Which is wild, because I can like, yeah, put myself exactly in that little girl of like who made that decision. And it’s crazy like how powerful your mind is, right?

Because I made that decision and from then on I wasn’t hungry you know like I convinced myself like I wasn’t hungry and so that was going into high school it was ninth grade so I was 13 and then on and off for the next I’m 28 now so I would say for the next 11 years so 13 to 23-24 I struggled with an eating disorder like so badly and it would come up at different points, especially in high school, it would flare up and then it would, it would kind of, it would subside to some degree. I think another thing that a lot of people don’t talk about is it’s never like you, you do heal. Like I would, I would say no, I’m unhealed, but that’s the practice. It’s like, I still notice like an inclination at times to restrict or to, oh, no, no, no, you can’t have that. Like, you know, it’s the, but that’s my practice. I’m like, oh, I see it. And I’m going to bring awareness and blatantly choose to do the opposite because I’m so passionate about cultivating a healthy relationship with food.

So, yeah, that started at 13 and then in, on and off through high school. And then when I went to college, I think, well, it got, there were a lot of points where it got so much worse because when you’re alone for the first time, you go to university, one of the only things you have control of is what you eat. And especially Ryan and I were talking about at our university, but I’m sure so many others, like, everyone is like genetically mutated attractive, you know? And like, and so you’re held to this standard and you start to compare yourself and your body to other girls and there’s no discussion about it. There’s no like, everyone’s body is beautiful. I think this was honestly way before a lot of that movement.

Like you would hear it there here and there, but it wasn’t as widespread or as talked about as it is now like thank goodness it is now but yeah so it would flare up really badly at times in university and this was I think when I I really was at the depths of this devil life of I would be at home binging and purging but then like show up come downstairs to like my roommates and all my friends and just be like oh yeah like what’s happening in the movie, you know, just even though I just went through this really intense like emotional manifestation of like essentially self-loathing upstairs by myself and then come down to like I’m good, what’s up, you know, and just this complete unrecognition of what’s going on inside.

So that was, there were really a lot of dark times there and then throughout my 20s also it would, it would subside a little bit, but then it would come back, especially if I gained weight, I would, oh man, any moment I gained any weight, anything, I would, I mean, I would spiral, I would spiral, and the thoughts I would think are like, what’s wrong with me? Like literally I would say that out loud, what is wrong with me? And how did I let this happen? Things like that, right? Like, and it just became so overwhelming. I almost, I’ve been traveling, I was telling Ryann, for the last, since I graduated college, essentially, I’ve been traveling, and I almost didn’t move to Australia. That was the first place I left to travel. I almost didn’t move because I was like, I can’t move to a country where everybody is in bathing suits all the time.

There’s just no way. Like, I can’t move there. I literally thought, I can’t move there, I’m too fat, there’s no way. And in hindsight, whatever it was, whatever force, whatever, whatever it was inside me that like made me do it anyway, I’m so forever grateful to that strength in me because it was the best decision I ever made. And to have let something like the way I perceive my body and like my value and worth to hold me back from a life experience like that, oh, that just like almost makes me tear up thinking about because that is that is our life that we’re compromising, you know? Like that is our one life and our one experience on this planet that we’re compromising because we’re we’re scared that random strangers in Australia won’t think my body’s attractive, you know?

Like and yes when I say it out loud to myself now it sounds it sounds almost like silly but I’m saying it like it is not if you’re going through that. It is not silly. It feels so real and it feels so heavy and it feels so imprisoning. Like I, like you were making life decisions based on how your body looks. And I totally was there and resonate with that. So, um, eventually I did go, thank goodness. And, um, from there, it’s been a really interesting healing during like the last five years. I think leaving the States and giving myself that space from that whole identity and whole story of who I am, of being this overweight kid who then struggled with her weight her whole life. And then like whenever I would receive praise it was because I was at my skinniest, whenever I would receive anything different or like any kind of you know those little comments that like that people say are like oh you like they’re not they don’t say blatantly like oh you’ve gained weight or whatever but they say like little things that you’re like they noticed like you know and just separating yourself from that or myself from that gave me so much sovereignty and just like empowered me to seek healing.

And so that being said, of course, like those five years I went in and out at different times of feeling imprisoned by those thoughts again, like especially, but it manifested differently at this at these times, like I would hide it as, oh, but I’m into weightlifting now. And I just like, you know, when it becomes a different kind of control of like, oh, yeah, but now it’s healthy because now I’m just into weightlifting and like very meticulously counting my macros and my protein, but no, that’s healthy, you know, and so, and so it just took a different form, but it was still controlling my whole life, you know, and, um, and so I went through different things like that where it’s like I, you couldn’t, I would never miss a gym day, like ever, like when I lived in New Zealand, I would, no matter what, I would be at the gym running, even though I don’t like running, like lots of miles on the treadmill, lift.

You know, I would be doing all the things I thought I had to do to maintain my value and my worth that was caught up and held in my body. But it looked healthy because I wasn’t too skinny, I wasn’t overweight, I was like, you know, I was a good body weight and I was social and I was traveling and my Instagram looked great but inside I was like constantly thinking, obsessing, like, okay, what do I have to do to maintain this look? What do I have to do to maintain this pant size? What do I have to do to maintain this, like, lovability, essentially?

Then that different kind of manifestation of the- my relationship to food and self carried on until, yeah, about 24 when- 24, 25 when COVID kind of happened and I was stuck in the States. I couldn’t go back to New Zealand and I was going through a breakup and I just pretty much rock bottomed in my life. And it was just really dark. And I started experiencing a lot of health issues. Like my hormones started to get out of whack. And I was starting to experience like adult acne for the first time ever, which was such a wonderful experience. Like in hindsight, I’m so grateful to have gone through that. In the moment, I was like, you know, I was like, could I experience anything else, please? Like I was just so, oh, so, it was a really dark time, but in hindsight, I’m so grateful for like something smacking me in the face and being like, you can’t keep going this way.

Like, you think you’re healthy. I had this definition of healthy of like, well, you work out all the time, you eat only healthily, quote-unquote, you know, you, like you’re healthy, but on my mental and my spiritual and emotional being, we’re just so neglected and so unhealthy. And so that started to manifest in my body. And that kind of took me on a whole healing journey. And I started searching for a lot of cures, quote-unquote, like I, and I started in nutrition and so I found holistic nutrition and I found all of this information about the way that I’ve been fueling and feeding my body my whole life. You know, it’s not wrong per se, but it wasn’t coming from a loving place. Like I wasn’t trying to nourish my body. I was trying to punish it. Like the whole time I’ve been existing in it.

And then I found meditation and then I found, I’d been introduced to yoga, but my relationship to yoga until then had been very like core power, sweat, like sculpt my body, like, you know, like use it as this tool to again, manipulate and change my body as opposed to using this as tool to tune into and celebrate and, and become one and come home to my body. I’m just kidding when she was thinking about it because yeah before I just yeah I’ve been introduced to yoga but it was just not where it is now. I’m a yoga teacher for anyone who doesn’t know, a meditation teacher and so my relationship to my practice now is just it’s such a pillar in my life and my healing that to see that like evolution of my journey to yoga I’m just like oh so beautiful and wherever you are with your wherever you are in yoga and not like harping on anybody who goes to 90 minute sculpt classes.

Like that’s great. But it’s just such a beautiful practice that has so many depths and is so multifaceted that, yeah, that I invite you to explore. That is essentially what kind of led me to my healing journey was that exposure to holistic nutrition, coupled with meditation, coupled with yoga. And then a lot of the isolation of COVID, I was basically by myself. And so I had all of this time to look at myself and like use these practices to come home. And it’s, I’ve been on this journey now for about three years and I, it’s something I’m so passionate about and so just like wildly thankful for because it’s completely changed my life. It’s completely changed how I exist in this world.

It’s completely changed changed just my ability to show up and be present and communicate and and relate to other people because I’m just not worried about like my body or what I’m eating you know I’m just able to be there and experience everything like the full spectrum of richness that this life has to offer because my mind is finally like free of you know being the way I like visualizing right now it’s just like was sinking like it was just so heavy and it was so noisy it just felt like I was sinking all the time and now I just feel like light you know like I’m able to give and love other people because I finally love myself and so yeah it’s just been this journey of really falling in love with myself and it’s I’ve been obsessed with it like I love it it’s my whole mission it’s my whole practice it’s my whole like to like care about you know, I’m like like, how can I I just Want to remind people like just how beautiful they are just for simply existing, you know just for simply breathing in and out of your body like you are Perfect and valuable and anything that tells you otherwise is a lot. So what’s that little story.

Ryann

Oh my gosh, it’s so cool to hear because I mean I never knew and I’m so curious. Okay, so you remember our Florence trip, right?

Cat

Mm-hmm.

Ryann

Okay, what was food like for you in Florence?

Cat

So brutal. Yeah, it was really brutal. It was a lot of just like, oh, I feel like it was just a lot of guilt. It was all just, it was like, well, I have to be here in Ekes, it’s Florence, but at the same time, it was just, I could never enjoy. There was no enjoyment. It was just consume and then spend the next eight hours trying to figure out how we can walk the most around the city so that I can convince myself that I burnt it off and then, yeah, like feel bad for the next day until I did it again. You know, it was just, it was never ending. It was a cycle.

Ryann

Yeah, oh my god. No, I had to ask because I had just shared my full, complete story, I think two or three weeks ago. And I talk about Florence on there because I was like, I didn’t go abroad for the whole semester like everybody does at USD because I was like, I can’t go to the gym and I won’t be able to control my food. So I missed out on that whole experience because of this. But also, in Florence, I mean, as we were saying before, if we could have just been like, yo, I’m struggling with food, it would have made life so much easier because that whole time I was like, same thing, guilt and then going back to the room and ordering room service and just binging all night.

Cat

Yeah, and you just feel so, there’s just so much power in community and vulnerability, but it just would have been so tender and we would have been able to hold each other in that and be like, oh, I’m going through that too. What if we were able to work this together? Or question these thoughts. Or like, but I think you look beautiful. Let’s talk, what do you feel in this moment? And opening up that conversation. And I wouldn’t take any of it back, because again, it’s our journey and it is what it is.

But it is so wild to think we’re all just existing like next to each other right and with no idea of like how similar our experiences are or that someone else is also in pain you know and you can’t and we’re just so consumed by like our suffering and our pain that we’re like everybody else has it figured out everybody else is you know loves their body it’s great it’s like feels so confident around dudes and like whatever and i don’t like i’m not a liar i am the one that’s wrong, I am the one that’s unlike the others. When it’s just, we’re all in this like space, especially then, like in that time of our lives where we’re just trying to decipher who we are, you know? And to do it alone is hard, but to do it alone when you eat just food and those experiences when it’s such an integral part of Relating in life and experiencing this life man. It’s yeah, it can be it’s really lonely

Ryann

Yes, and something that you said in your story which I feel like a lot of people don’t talk about and something that I’ve actually never really thought about is How you do such an aggressive ritual. Like you do go through this whole thing and then you come come to people and you’re like, I’m fine. It’s like wait what like if I could be a fly on the wall to that I mean, it’s almost like like yeah, you do you go through this like really aggressive thing and then you come down and you’re like, yeah, I’m fine, that didn’t just happen as you’re in physical pain because of what you put your body through.

Cat

Like literally, it is so bad because it’s not even like it’s just something that’s emotionally traumatic and like, spiritually traumatic, like it is physically traumatic to get to that point where you’re purging and without being like you know too explicit like it would literally point where I’d like come down the stairs had like popped an eye vessel because you know because it was just so aggressive and I still was like oh yeah no like that’s from I don’t even know my eyes are dry you know like it would just I would just bend over backwards to be like oh yeah it’s not not what it looks like when another thing is I do think I well I know that a lot of people who are close to me are really close to me, like my roommates, for example, in university, had an idea, but it’s also one of those topics that’s so taboo, nobody knows how or wants to bring it up. Well, because they also probably don’t even know how you’ll react, right?

And that kind of goes to us in Florence as well. It’s like, maybe if there’s a subconscious, like perhaps knowing or feeling or like energy, like they’re in pain maybe, but I can say I did not have the emotional capacity or like, I didn’t have the threshold to a hold space for myself, let alone hold space for somebody else to come to me with their experience. So it’s almost like, you know, without the tools of people who are able to hold that space, it’s like, we really didn’t have an option because like we physically weren’t capable of, of being vulnerable to that. Like our bodies didn’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable. And I didn’t know how to hold your vulnerability. Like I wouldn’t have known what to do. I would have been like, oh man, I feel uncomfortable. Like, you know, when it’s just all you need is someone to be like, I’m not here to solve it. I’m not here to fix it.

I’m literally just here to hold you and remind you that you’re beautiful, but not beautiful and that like that’s even a loaded word, not even beautiful, like you’re physically beautiful. Beautiful and like you are divine and you are just like, your essence is perfection and beautiful. And so by like, I don’t know, transitive property of whatever, transitive property of zero, like because your essence is beautiful, like you physically are a manifestation of that as well.

Ryann

Something else that you said that I think is so important to bring up is that moment when you were like, I made up my mind, I’m done eating. And I think that that right there is just like proof of how mental this is and how it is so not about the food. It is so not about the food, but also how mental it is, which is where I’m sure the meditation and the yoga came in so much for you because it is such a mental element. I mean the healing journey isn’t about getting to a place where you are like, yes I’m great with food, it’s about fixing your mind, like fixing isn’t even the best word, but like changing your mind, challenging your mind so that you can get to a place where, like you said before, I was doing all these things to be quote unquote healthy, but I was ruining all these other elements of my health.

And that’s something that I talk about a lot where it’s like, I’m always here to challenge that voice. So it is, that voice is telling you don’t eat this to be healthy, but if you’re not eating this to be quote unquote healthy, but now that means you’re not going to this social event with your friends. And now that means you are super stressed out. And now that means you have just spent another X amount of money binging and now that means all these other things like what is health?

Cat

Right, exactly. I am so also just passionate about this topic of taking a moment to redefine healthy because it is so true. I think the definition we’re programmed with and fed, especially in Western culture and like, you know, specifically California or like this, these cultures that are so inundated in like our appearance essentially. Whether it be consciously or not, it’s just, it just kind of is what it is in a lot of places. Not so much just California, you know, like around the world, a lot of places like that. But yeah, where we’re programmed with this definition of it means movement, and like working out every day this way, running on a treadmill, cardio, whatever. And it means eating this amount of calories, but no carbs, and none of these things, none of those things, that’s healthy. And it means like bubble baths and spa days for the self-love aspect, you know, just these very like rigid and also shallow like definitions of the words of healthy and self-love.

And when in reality, it’s like, like you said, it’s a holistic approach of like, okay, right. But if I’m not eating something because I’m scared of it, like I remember when you did that whole series on Instagram, like let’s face our fear today. And I really loved that. Like that really helped me. And I feel like I didn’t even know consciously when I was watching like the reels and stuff of you doing it, but then I would be out. Right. And this was not like, this was two years ago or so like I was in Toronto Not even that long ago And this is what I mean of like the healing journey is that awareness and you can you’re we’re all on a healing journey all that like our whole life is a healing journey and It’s it’s that awareness and that compassion to like in that moment noticing so for example I’ve been on oh and I was out with a girlfriend and we were gonna get coffee and she got a muffin. And I was like, oh, I’m hungry, but can I eat a muffin? Like, are you kidding me? What about the rest of the day?

Okay, then what can I eat later? And I just saw it, saw it all unraveling, saw it all spiraling, and was just like, no, like in this moment, I choose to have a healthy relationship with food. So I’m going to choose to eat this muffin because I’m hungry, because it will nourish my body and my soul, and contribute to this wonderful exchange that I’m having with my friend. And I remember something in that moment just being like, okay, interesting, these foods that we’ve been programmed to believe are bad. Like, we give everything so much power when a lot of it is ours, right? Like, it’s our thoughts that are deciding it’s bad. And we can just choose when we see it, when we see the thought, see the spiral, coming back to our breath, coming back to that moment, and then it’s a fork in the road.

If we do what we’ve done for the last 20 something years and choose to live in fear and in that, send our nervous system into fight or flight, and then create a whole cascade of things that come from that just by literally that thought alone and choosing to act upon it or do we choose something different and be like oh a muffin while I’m with my friends that’s nourishing my body and I get to like enjoy this like I get this is delicious I get to eat this like yeah man like life’s great you know like I get to have this wonderful because I love myself so much, I’m going to choose to nourish me in this moment. And that looks, and the thing is also with me, like, it’s like, that looks different every single day. And then this rigidity begins to dissolve. It’s like, I don’t want a muffin the next four days because I had one and I’m good. I’m satiated.

Cool. Now I want broccoli or something, you know, now I’m, now I want something else. But then when I want, you know what I mean and so you just get to like see these thoughts and you get to choose which ones control you and choose which ones don’t like you which is none of that like you just get to choose in the moment and that’s yeah like you said that’s where my meditation yoga practice coming because I’m like heck yeah let me breathe into this and like I’m freaking out a little my body’s freaking out it’s a little bit scared but like baby I got you, we’re going to be okay. You know, and just like holding yourself and being like, it’s nothing baby, we’re going to be good.

Ryann

Yeah. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Because I know so many people reach out to me and they’re either not ready to commit to a therapist or they don’t have the financial means to commit to a therapist or they don’t really want to do a treatment and they feel discouraged that they can’t do it on their own. But I mean, you’re living proof right here that you can do it on your own. So can you tell us more about what that looks like for you?

Cat

Totally. Yeah, and finding, and this is like a whole pillar of me working with my clients in my work, is this pillar of mindfulness and meditation. And I’m so passionate about it because it’s just a toll road to rewire your brain. Because I, of course, like therapy and talk therapy and these other wonderful tools are so, so important. And there’s such like a wonderful modality to supplement healing with, if you, when and if you have the means. But at the same time, we get to empower ourselves with other tools, which is yeah, where mindfulness and meditation comes in. So when I originally found meditation, I honestly was just listening to like spoken word, it was more disguised as spoken word so it was easier for me to accept. It wasn’t like I’m sitting down to meditate and doing it wrong, it was just like I’m listening to this beautiful spoken word about self love and in that process I’m finding a trance-like state. But it wasn’t something I was necessarily seeking out explicitly.

Anyone who wants to dabble in some of those, her name is Sarah Blondin, she is on insight timer, an app that has heaps and heaps of free meditations and talks. I know there are tons of apps but I’m most familiar with insight timer and I highly recommend it. So her name is Sarah Blondin and she has tons about self love and coming home to self and surrendering and just the way she delivers it, it is so eloquent and so articulate and just honest, it’s just beautiful, it’s art. And so that’s kind of how I found it first. And then I started to notice just in those little moments of listening, I was feeling peace. And even if it was just for a minute, even if it was just for like 30 seconds, I wasn’t in a space of either catastrophizing the future or disparaging myself for things that have happened in the past.

I was in this little blip of here and now. And it started, yeah, it was like 10 seconds here and there while I was listening to these. And then I got curious, and I started reading books. So a book that I always recommend to people is called Becoming Supernatural by Joe Dispenza and this book changed my life I swear like I should be sponsored by like him and his publishing company and –

Ryann

That book is dense

Cat

It is dense it is a

Ryann

You should have a book club and we can read it like break it up

Cat

Yeah and the way that exit is dense you are right this is it’s basically like anyone who’s you know we’re piquing their interest. It’s essentially like the quantum physics and science like behind meditation and what is happening in the brain to rewire the brain. Like they’re measuring these frequencies, they’re measuring these vibrations and they are, yeah, there’s data, you know, like these are a bunch of science buzzwords, but it is measured, man. And that’s why when people are like meditations woo-woo, you know, I’m like no this is science I’m like I will I will go in on a conversation about how meditation is science and somebody so That book really changed my life.

And yes, it’s dense, but I literally I Took every morning and I was like part of my morning practice was 10 pages of this book and and I think it’s 300 pages so you’re done with it in a month. And then I read it again because it’s done. But it will change your life. And that book comes with a lot of, well, it comes with meditations that you can do the recorded or it walks you through different ways and different types of meditations, whether it be walking meditation, transcendental meditations, chakra meditations, like these, and he walks you through these different ways to start tuning in to your body, to the breath, and start implementing these changes in the brain.

And it’s also just brought with these amazing stories and experiences of people who are just like us, who just found meditation at the depths of a health trial or at the depths of their rock bottom. They found meditation and the slow transformation of their brain and thoughts and beliefs and emotions and thus actions eventually changed their life, right? And also if you’re not like a reader, he also is on podcasts. So there’s no getting out of this one. You know?

Ryann

I’ll have this all linked in the show notes too. So they’re quick and easy to get access to.

Cat

Yeah, he’s everywhere. He’s such a brilliant mind. And so I found that. And then after that, I just started to feel the difference like slowly, right? It’s a very slow progression. And I think this is what turns people off from meditation, because they want that like immediate, you know, like transformation. Like I meditated yesterday. Why is everything not better? Why, you know, why am I not a different person? It’s like, but it’s a skill just like anything else and it takes time and it takes consistency and it takes patience and it takes coming home to yourself like that is what it is. It’s just it takes that compassion of just like every time the mind wanders welcoming it back like like a lost child in a grocery store just like oh come here baby come back like come back to this moment you know. Yeah so so for me it was just a very once I started to feel it, feel the difference and I got a taste of it, then I pretty much also decided in that moment, this will be a part of my practice, this will be something I do consistently. And that has fluctuated throughout the years.

I found meditation about two years ago now. That has fluctuated throughout the years because you travel and because you You have family over and because you have a late night out. So next morning, you know, you don’t meditate like yes They have things happen life happens but it’s about like making the decision again and how powerful the mind is to make the decision of like I am committed to Transforming so if that means five to ten minutes and sometime during the day Mornings great because our brains are elastic and we haven’t had all the time to inundate our brains with our past beliefs and thoughts and whatnot. But if you don’t have mornings, okay, evening. Or there’s 10 minutes in the day where you might be scrolling Instagram that you can instead sit down and meditate. And it doesn’t have to be alone, it can be guided.

There are just so many tools available these days. And people like me who are meditation teachers, you know, who like are there to offer that accountability and that guidance and like the resources and tools right to you know like there are people all over who are offering that kind of support to people because we’re so passionate about it. But yeah, so you can find and implement these tools. It really is a matter of that consistency. And if you are someone that knows you need the accountability, then yeah, find people like a meditation teacher who may be a little bit more affordable than a therapist or starting somewhere, or even just investing in an app that makes you pay.

Like once you exchange money for transformation, like you will all of a sudden show up a little bit more like you don’t think so yeah like if you’re paying for a therapist like you’re not missing a session you know if you’re paying for a coach yeah like if you’re paying for a coach or meditation teacher you’re not gonna be like oh like just don’t feel like coming today but here’s the money for that stuff you know like you’re going to show up more for yourself so also that like choosing yourself like choosing to bet on yourself and the fact that you’re capable of transforming and capable of existing elsewhere in your mind, in your body, you know, like capable of finding peace, because we all are, like that’s what we are. We are peace in human form, like we are meant to exist in this state of just like peacefulness and equanimity, despite the trials and tribulations of like what life has to offer.

Like we’re literally floating on a rock you know like we’re literally here we’re not here to be suffering like we’re not sent here to be like yep this one she is gonna suffer she like that one is gonna have a hard life and I really want her to suffer for her whole life like no we’re all here to like find and embrace and embody peace and just like love you know so essentially long Long story long, it is possible for anyone to go on this journey alone. I, the reason I created my programs and created, yeah, this platform to teach meditation, teach yoga, my holistic programs are because I wish I had invested in myself in that way. Like I’m sure similar to you and what you offer, it’s like in hindsight, the way that would have exponentially like increased the depth and potency of my transformation, you know, it’s kind of unparalleled. But, but I understand people who are like, I don’t have the means.

Yeah, that was me. Like I’ve been traveling five years. I don’t have means, I didn’t have means to do anything. I was like, I just need something to change. And I needed to change now, because this isn’t sustainable. So it was it was essentially a mind, mind decision of consistency and choosing me and choosing like, I believe in this practice and this modality. And that’s why also like those books help because it’s not just, I believe in it and this esoteric intangible concept. It’s like, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. I believe in that because like, you know, energy is awesome and woo woo words are great. I love that. But also it’s science and like these things are like, it’s measured the differences in our frequency and the, like they can measure different frequency of emotions and the magnetic pull or like vibration of our energy field when you change them in meditation. It’s so crazy. So I get like on one about this.

Ryann

I would love to know before this transformation you mentioned a rock bottom moment. What was that like for you? Like how is that different than any other terrible moment that you experienced before? Like, why did that change things for you?

Cat

Yeah, and you know, unfortunately, I think for a lot of people, that like, catalyst for transformation is a result of extreme pain, you know? I think that’s just like, kind of part of the human condition, like, until you’re in the depths of darkness. Like, you’re like, nah, I’m fine. Like, yeah, I’m suffering and everything, you know, like, I don’t like existing in my mind or my body, but like it’s fine until you get to a point where it’s like, okay, I’m not going to be okay anymore. But so yeah, it was essentially, I’ve been living in New Zealand for about a year and a half. My boyfriend at the time was a Kiwi and he had gone back to New Zealand. I was still in America and I was about a week away from getting my visa and then COVID hit and so I was stuck in America like I didn’t have a plan B and no one did of course but like all of my things like everything I owned was in New Zealand.

My apartment, my boyfriend, my just whole life and identity was like oh I’m going back to New Zealand like I’m going to be building more of a life in New Zealand with this person and I’m going to be going back there. So when that was, you know, taken away from me, I was, I was so lost. I was just like, where, where do I go? What do I do? And who am I essentially? Like who am I without this, without, I mean, at this point, I was like, without this ability to be abroad. And in a lot of my identity was wrapped in that. It’s like, I live across the world and that’s just who I am and what do I do now? What back in America? You know, there’s all these question marks and I just could not figure out how to grapple with who I am now and what that meant. And so that, I’m sure as you could guess in your experience, triggered a lot of kind of spiraling back into old patterns with food because it was like the only thing I knew.

The only thing I knew how to do was, okay, I’ll use this time to get extremely fit. I’ll use this time to just work out and very much restrict what I eat and just have this be my life because everything else is gone. So this will be my life again. So I think it got really dark. And I was actually, this is interesting, I hadn’t really thought about this in a while, but I was looking at old pictures the other day and there was this picture from that time, because I was stuck at home, I was in Santa Fe with my family for a few months before I moved to Toronto during this window. And like I said, I’d been using this time to just over-exercise, over-restrict.

And I was just obsessed with how skinny I could get, because I thought it meant that I was more lovable, more worthy. And I was just like, I need this right now, because I have… None of that was coming from inside of me. So I needed it to come from the outside to an extreme, which meant that I needed it, I needed to alter my body to an extreme. So I saw this picture, other than I was going through whatever, and it was from that time. And I mean, yeah, I am so much literally, you know, like, taking those pictures where you’re like, you know, looking at your abs and the mirror and like, but all it all it like screamed to me like the whole photo was just like, all it did was make me want to, like, it just came turn me back into myself and be like, wow, sweetie, I am so sorry that you felt you had to do that to yourself, you know, like, but at the time, I was like, oh, my gosh, like, I look good.

Someone’s gonna love me, like, because I don’t and I don’t have anything coming from the inside so I look really good right now like I’m cut I’m you know I’m wearing size two like I am things are gonna happen for me you know and but that picture was just so sad like the person in that picture was just so desperate for like validation and love and like yeah and I feel like in old versions of me, like wouldn’t even been able to look at the picture because, well, because I’m definitely not that skinny more. Like I am fertile now and I have childbearing hips and I love it. I am, you know, like I am a strong woman, strong body. Like, and I love that about my body now. I love how it is.

But old versions of me wouldn’t have been able to look at that picture. So I’d be like, oh, well, I’m not that skinny anymore. You know, and then it would have spiraled me into like, okay, how do I get that skinny again, you know, and now I just get to look at it. And yeah, like I said, just have so much love and compassion for how lost and yeah, desperate she was for love. And now I just get to look at her and revisit her in meditation and be like, I love you. I love you. It is okay. Like you were perfect. You were perfect then, you were perfect now, you were perfect at eight years old, you were perfect, you know, like you are just the sweetest being and like I am here to hold you. And like I get to do that for you now because I wasn’t there to do that for you ever before, you know?

Yeah. It was a wild like, and I even sent it to my cousin. I was like, look at this picture. I’m like, wow. And I didn’t even know, like I didn’t even have the awareness at the time to know how much suffering I was in, right? Like I just knew, that was just my norm. That was just my baseline of like, I’ll always be here. I’ll always be striving for a different version of self as opposed to like, let me actually just step into it, to this version of self in this moment because she’s wildly like unique and perfect beyond my ability to conceive, you know.

Ryann

Yeah, so for anybody who is kind of in that dark place, in those depths, kind of in this state of like, I know I want to change but I don’t know what to do and I’m really freaking scared, what words would you offer them?

Cat

Oh man, I would say do what you can like in the smallest moments to hold yourself, like, in the smallest of ways, like these micro moments where it’s like, like these, the micro moments are the things that slowly build the transformation, right? So it’s like, if it’s literally just today, like looking yourself in the mirror and being like, I love you, that’s enough. Like, if that’s what, where you’re at right now, like, and maybe, I’m even getting chills thinking about it because I was there at one point where like I would say that in the mirror I didn’t believe it like I did not believe it but if that’s where you are where it’s like just that little choice to take five seconds and look yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say I love you until you feel it you know like if that’s where you are and that’s and that’s what you’re you have to pass you right now like that’s enough like anything you’re doing in this moment to move in the direction of loving yourself, that’s enough.

Like, let go of the need for it to be more or better, or like, it’s not enough to get me where I need to go. Like, it is, and it will be a slow build, and it’s just that devotion to coming back to yourself, like that devotion to choosing you and that devotion to loving you. And again, it’s gonna be in those small moments where like, you don’t even realize, and maybe it’s just catching one thought today of like one thought of thinking I don’t look good in these jeans or like I you know whatever I whatever it is whatever it is that comes into your mind like just catching that one thought is literally that in of itself that 1% over time builds on each other and just like acknowledging that you did that and loving yourself for doing that you know like doesn’t happen overnight, but it is a slow and gradual process that is so worth the devotion because you’re so worth the devotion.

I think that’s also like the main point. It’s like you are freaking worth loving yourself, whether it takes, whether that journey is, you know, 10 years, like we’re all in the journey. Like my journey is never going to end. Every day I’m excited. I like every day it’s a practice. Every day I’m excited to come back and choose me. And every day I find those moments where I’m like, oh, baby, that wasn’t very nice. Like, ah. And then instead of going from there and being like, you suck because you’re mean to yourself again, I’m like, oh, you’re mean to yourself. And just taking a moment and literally out loud. I spent a lot of time during the day talking to myself. I’ll just be walking around with a coffee.

Ryann

Me too!

Cat

I’ll be walking around with a coffee and I’ll hear or just observe something that wasn’t the nicest that I said to myself. Whatever it is. And I’ll literally say out loud as I’m walking down the sidewalk, like, oh, sweetie, we love you today. And have this whole conversation with myself. And those are the little moments that like over time so it’s just it’s a slow process but you’re slow so worth it and so beyond lovable like oh

Ryann

So powerful you know I think that it’s just important to hear over and over and over again that there is hope that it’s possible and it’s so low but that doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it and that doesn’t mean that you’re not gonna get there and I just think it’s really important to hear.

Cat

Totally, I agree especially just because we’ve been so like fed the opposite story of like it you know results happen overnight if you go to the gym like for this one month you’ll have six pack you know like like we’re so fed the opposite of like quick fixes, band-aids, like this fast acting pill, whatever like we’re so fed the opposite when it’s like this work is so deep, this work is you’re literally like re-parenting and rewiring and creating space in your nervous system to heal those experiences from like our whole life, like zero to wherever you are now, you know, like that is a lot. So give yourself grace and give yourself compassion for like wherever you are right now and then wherever the journey goes from here and however that looks because it’s not going to be Straight up into the right like it’s just not going to be it’s going to be roundabout up and down like like every quadrant touching like there’s it’s going to be everywhere and The practice is just in those moments of like when it’s roundabouting Coming back and being like this is part of it, this is the practice.

Like if it were that easy, then, you know, we’d all just be floating around, like loving on each other. And, you know, we’d be like burping unicorns, but it’s just like, it’s not the easiest at times, but it’s a devotion and it’s a consistency and it’s the choosing.

Ryann

So in honor of the Food Freedom Lab, what does food freedom mean to you?

Cat

Love this question. It very much means incorporating food into the whole spectrum of in the richness of life, right? It’s like, it’s feeling that peace and that ability to like be present when there’s food around and using it and dancing with it to like interact with life and the people you love because it is a beautiful thing that we get to experience, eating and conversing over meals and giving thanks over meals. You know, like it is a beautiful ritual to share with people. So the food, like food freedom to me is just being able to be around it, be it and involve it and incorporate it into the whole like holistic approach of cultivating peace and happiness in my life. Because it’s, it’s great. I love food.

Ryann

Me too. I love that so much. Kat, if people want to connect with you, learn from you, where can they find you?

Cat

Yeah, so I’m on Instagram at harmonia.health and also at I’m Cat Mansfield and my website is harmonia.health. All of my offerings and everything are on there. Announcements about upcoming retreats, podcast releases as well. So everything is on those two mostly.

Ryann

Thank you so much. And I’ll have all those linked below. And just thank you again for taking the time, being so vulnerable and sharing with us all of your thoughts and wisdom. And I mean, it was just so cool to reconnect with you.

Cat

I know. Thank you so much for having me. I am so grateful for these conversations and women like you who are passionate and committed to putting this message into the world because if we can help one person or just make one person feel like they’re not alone, I’m just like, yes!

Disclaimer: If you have or suspect that you have an eating disorder, be sure to get in touch with a qualified healthcare professional immediately. If you are in the United States and experiencing a medical or health emergency, please call 911 or call for appropriate emergency medical help.