📲 Instagram: @thoughtfullyfueled
🖥 Website: www.thoughtfullyfueled.com
🎙 Podcast: The Fully Fueled Life Podcast
Hello, everybody. I have something very exciting to tell you. I’m starting a new series on this podcast with one of my very good friends and the registered dietitian and all of my coaching programs. Lisa, hey.
Hey, um, your intro was so much better than mine. Dang it!
You can re-record and just put it over.
Nah, we’re doing it first take, that’s it.
Anyways, as you can see, this is going to be a very laid-back, chill, girl chat space. We’re gonna be having these conversations once a month, but they’re gonna be two-parters, which is gonna be really fun. So what Lisa and I have talked about is, it’s not necessarily going to be like a part one, part two, but rather it’s gonna be two topics that kind of go together and you can get both parts. We have discussed that we don’t love like very, very long podcasts.
We love a good 35 to 45, maybe even an hour if it’s very great. When we’re going for a walk that we can start and finish instead of it being this long two-hour thing. So we have broken it up and it will always start with one and then go to the other to get everything or to get part of it, but either way so excited to have you here, so excited to be able to shift things a little bit to create something that is just a little bit more low-key where we can chat about topics that are important for healing your relationship with food, healing your relationship with body and yourself, but also aren’t so self-helpy. It is just, let’s just chat, let’s just, you know, sit down, put it on, grab a snack, let’s hang out.
On our episode today, what we’re going to be talking about is making friends, and not just making friends in general, which is a conversation in and of itself when you get out of college or when you get out of school, but friends when you are working on healing your relationship with food. How to make friends with people when it feels like the entire world is dieting and it’s tough. So we’re going to talk about that today.
I love that you brought this up too because I have like so many different layers that we can bring in, like moving across the country, having to make friends, knowing I’m going to be here for a short period of time, so having to make good friends fast, but then also throw into the mix, these are people who have no idea what I do, what I stand for, the beliefs I have, the things that I’ve been through, and it’s like, how do you introduce, like, hi, yeah, don’t comment on my body or like yeah I teach fitness classes but I don’t have this you know weight loss stance and like it has been messy.
I relate to that so much and I think that being I mean and I’m not here to like diminish but I think that at least being able to say like dietician can give you some leeway but I always get the what do you do and I say therapist and they say physical therapist. And I say, no, mental health therapist for eating disorders. And they go, okay, bye. Literally every time.
I get a similar response because I say, oh, I’m a dietician. And they instantly go, oh my gosh, keto da da da, or this, or macros. And I’m like, no, I actually don’t believe in diets. And they go, well, what do you do? And I’m like, oh, okay, yeah. And then I do the same. I’m like, pull back. Bye, see you. I’m going to go over here.
Yeah. So let’s, you know, just like we did before, start from the beginning. What was it like for you making friends growing up? Did you always have a lot of friends? Tell us about the moving element. How does that play a role?
Yeah, growing up, I feel like I always had a lot of friends, my family is a very social group of people, like my immediate family. So my parents were always friends with my friends’ parents. So we would always do things like all together, big groups, family, you know, three, four families all together going on vacations. They had this wonderful idea when we were little that the parents would go to one house and the children would be at a different house. And like the oldest would just babysit. Oh my gosh, it was mayhem. Like absolute mayhem, because the parents weren’t home. Anyway, so I had a good solid group of friends growing up through high school.
College I made friends really fast. Actually a girl I went to high school with, her and I both went to the same college, decided in college decided not to room together. So we would instantly make two different groups of friends and then have different groups.
Oh, that’s so smart.
Yeah, and that was my mom’s idea. I cannot take credit for that. She looked at me and she was like, do not room with her because it could break your friendship. And then you’re kind of like stuck with the same group. So we chose not to room together and instantly had two different groups of friends because we lived in separate dorms We lived on separate sides of the river So we like really had two different groups and that was awesome One group was all sorority girls and one group was all non Greek life So we got to go to everything but not have to deal with like the bullshit So like college was super easy of sorority life.
So like college was super easy, but then I feel like after college, you go through this weird phase, or at least I did, where I went from so many friends to like, why do I feel like I have three friends? And it was kind of this big, like shocking moment of who your real friends are, who those like tried and true people who are gonna be there forever, who are those people? And I feel like after college, I found out who those people were from my childhood, like from high school, and then who those people were from my college experience. But it was really strange to go from a huge group of girls to I have, realistically, this small handful of people. And now I love it. Like quality friends over quantity friends. But at that switch, especially when there’s so many other things going on in your life, that was really hard because I didn’t know how to handle it. I actually took it really personally because it just wasn’t what I was used to. But yeah, we’ll get into the move next.
Are you extroverted?
Yes and no. I am very outgoing, but I’m also, like, to an extent, but I’m also like the biggest homebody.
So like a little bit of both. It really depends on the situation, but yeah. Like I’ve never been that one who’s like the wild son, like, leading the pack. But like, I’m down for that, and I will, my friends like to say that I would talk to a brick wall if I had to.
Okay, so I’m totally the opposite, which is probably a really good thing so that we get both polar, but also probably why we match, because I’m always attracted to opposites. I am so introverted, which I think surprises a lot of people because I have a very big personality, but oh my gosh, contact and going out and doing things is so exhausting to me. And I have never had a ton of friends, like never ever. And I would say part of that is because my eating disorder was my best friend for a very long time. I’ve also always been a one friend gal.
Like when you even go back to my preschool, it has always been, I have a main, I have other friends, but I have a main, and that is a person that I do everything with, like she is my number one, and then something happens, not like a falling out, but either moved or switched schools or they moved, and it’s like, okay, on to my next main one friend, and I’ve always been that way and I always wish that I had a ton of girlfriends and I did join sorority life and I did and I mean we can have another conversation about that I I thought that was gonna solve all my friend problems I thought that that was gonna be the answer and I thought that that was going to give me all the friends that I so deeply wanted it did not but I would say that is partially on me because I was so in my eating disorder at that time and also I didn’t put anything into building the relationships. It was more of just like I expect to have all these friends, but I’m saying no to all of these things because I don’t want to do the food stuff and I’m not going to these events because I don’t have clothes that fit and all of those things. But where was I going with that?
We should do a Greek life like in the future like because I wasn’t and you were and we can talk about that.
I don’t think against it because but I have like experience so we should do that.
Yes. I totally relate though with the okay what do I do now that I made a lot of friends through where I was working, but just like dating, and just like I talked about in Lisa’s episode, I was making friends with people that didn’t necessarily live the same lifestyle because I was working at two bars. And so, although they were like, you know, really nice and great people, they weren’t fully aligned with my values where I was like, this is really awesome for right now because I am totally amassed in this lifestyle where I am sleeping in and I am going to work and then I am you know partying all night but that’s not me and this is like a form of numbing and actually like a major crisis this is not like a lifestyle that I love to live so I always felt like there are people around me and I always have people there, but I just like never fit in.
And I think it is Brene Brown that talks about the fact that like you can be with so many other people and feel lonely. And I never understood why I felt that way because I was like, I do have people and I do have people that I can call, but it always A, feels like so much work that I would rather just be alone or B, it’s just I’m with them and I just do not vibe. And I’ve always had like a few people that I’m like, this is just easy and this is just how things are. And I’ve had, you know, one main best friend for years and years and years and years and years. And she has been through all of my eating disorder stuff. Honestly, I feel like I am alive because of her today, but when she moved away from Jackson Hole, I was like, this is the first time that I really have to make friends, because she was the one that, I mean, she is so extroverted, she made all of the friends, and I kind of just like, tacked along.
So I started really trying to force myself to get out of my comfort zone with all of the work that I was doing with my therapist around my dating issues, which I talk about in Lisa’s episode, but also just around trying to find my people in general and being like, okay, how do I find people when I’m not either A, working with them or B, in school with them? Like, how do you even do that? And having the courage to just walk up to somebody and be like, hey, do you want to get coffee? I don’t know why that seems like the craziest, like, most unrealistic thing, but I was like, no? You want me to do what?
I completely agree, and this is where, like, the introvert in me comes, because in a situation like that, like, when I moved to Mississippi, I knew my therapist and I had had this conversation. She was like, you’re gonna have to make them because you, you know, I have a very different social level than Alex does. Alex is very like, he could care less if he does anything on the weekend. And I’m like, what are we doing? Where are we going? Who are we seeing? And I knew I needed that. So I was like, okay, I have to go make, I have to go and like make an effort. And I joined a gym, the gym that I now teach classes at. So I was like, okay, I’m doing it. I took that step to join the gym, but then like, did I talk to anyone there? No, I stood in the corner and was like, oh my gosh, they all know each other and they’re all friends. Like, what do I do? So I have that, like, a little bit of both, but it’s terrifying. Like you were saying, thinking of walking up to someone and being like, do you want to grab coffee? Do you want to be my friend?
Like, that is so scary. Like, I don’t know why, but to me that seemed way more terrifying than asking Grayson to get a drink. I don’t know. Like, I don’t know why it seems so weird and so just extreme, but I would have these people because I worked at a coffee shop and they were obviously regulars, so the more that somebody was a regular, I was like, okay, they live here. And so, because I live in a very vacation town where, you know, just like you expressed before, it’s making fast friendships and making them now because they are probably leaving and not here for very long. So I would start talking to them as they came in and then I would be like, okay today’s the day that I’m gonna ask for her number. Today’s the day that I’m gonna ask her for coffee. Why is this so weird?
But it is, it’s so, and I don’t know if that is because we’ve both used dating apps and when you’re on a dating app, there’s this general idea that you wanna go on a date or you want to go get drinks or something. But then with friends, I don’t know, it just strikes me as so scary, so scary.
And then not to mention what I do for my work because at this time I was starting to get into that and then also I had totally gone through Not only treatment for my eating stuff so that was like one phase but I did go through like another major round of therapy to kind of work through all of the drinking and the wildness and calming that down and and healing all of those kind of like last wounds that I was still numbing with and I And I got to a place where I was like, I don’t want to just be friends with anybody. Like I don’t want to just like have a friend to have a friend. And there were a lot of times that I did get up the nerve to ask someone to go to coffee and I was so excited and I was like, this is amazing, like I’m going to make a new friend.
And then I would leave and I it just it doesn’t feel worth it to me which I feel like it’s so shitty to say but like that’s where I was at because I am so introverted I’m like I literally only have so much energy to give and when my work is so energy draining it is so precious and when I am with somebody because I am so introverted it is like I need it to be a easy and be light me up otherwise I I am NOT I’m opposite of you I am like I do not want to go out I do not want to see anybody I want to stay home I want to read a book Friday night plans in my bed at 8 o’clock thank you so much
But then and this is where like my introvert comes in and you were talking about like when you were in a bar and you’re meeting these people who like don’t align with you and like your vibe and things like that. I am not a big drinker. Love to like go out and do something and I’ll have like a drink, but I despise feeling the effects of alcohol the next day. I like, I would rather not drink than be the slightest bit hungover. And I feel like when you’re going on friend dates or anything, it’s so easy to be like, oh, do you want to like go get a drink? Do you want to go get a drink? And I am someone who I’m like down to go do something on a Friday night, but that doesn’t mean I want to like go hit the bars until, right.
Like if I would love to have like a beautiful dinner and like if my, you know, if my drink compliments the meal and like things like that, but I’m not a drinker. Like I do not drink on my own. Alex and I rarely ever drink at our apartment like it’s just not something that I reach for and that was also something like if you go back to and listen to like the dating portion of this when we go through like our wild days like even through college my drinking was through the roofs. There was a whole level of other stuff going on. But then I had to like figure out, okay, if I have these friends from college or like even high school and they know me as someone who maybe loves to go out and like have a good time, how do I come to them and be like, I actually don’t really enjoy drinking. Like, this isn’t something that I want to do on a daily basis. So when I moved, I started using Bumble BFF. So like-
I’ve heard about that. I live in such a small town that like it doesn’t work, but I’ve heard really good things.
So it’s, I mean, it’s dating apps for friends. And I have two friends that have moved to like bigger cities like one moved to Dallas, one moved to Charleston, North Carolina, and they used Bumble BFF and had an awesome experience with it. So I was like, okay, why not? Well, moved to a small town in the South, didn’t have like a ton of options, matches, potential friends, whatever you want to call it. But I did end up finding two girls that I click with, both of their spouses are also in the military so they like understand that fast friendship thing. So that’s been really good. But I did go on one friend date that was horrible.
Oh my gosh, give us the deets.
So this was like right when I moved down here, Alex knew this was important to me so he’s like asking me all about my friend dates and like what we’re doing and where we’re going. And it was a Thursday night and this girl and I were like, let’s go get tacos and like a margarita. And she’s like, oh yeah, you know, that sounds great. So I didn’t know this, but the restaurant that we went to had two locations. And when we talked, we had said like this location on this road. So I was like, no just go it’ll be fine. I’m like okay fine. So she is texting me she’s like hey I just got here I like have a table you’ll see me right when you walk in the door. Perfect. Park my car sprint into the restaurant. I’m like hi yeah I’m meeting someone. I look around I don’t see her and I’m like using her Bumble like profile.
So I’m like um nowhere to be found. I did a lap around this restaurant. People are staring at me because I’m like intently looking at every single table. So I’m like, oh my gosh. I’m like, are you sure you’re here? I can’t, I don’t see you. I’m like, I just walked in, you would see me. She goes, oh my gosh, I think we’re at different locations. So she like drops me a pin for where she is. She’s a solid like 15 minutes away. So I’m like, don’t worry, I’ll be there in 15. So I awkwardly leave this restaurant, drive, I find her, sit down, and I’m like, sorry about that. I don’t know what happened. She’s like, it was totally my fault. I left work, I just like plugged it in. I picked the closest one.
I didn’t even look. I’m like, no, it’s whatever. We start talking. The conversation is like pulling teeth. It’s so painful. Just very different places, very different backgrounds, nothing wrong with either, just like drastically different. And I will say like moving to the South, I am the odd one not being married at almost 30. So like I’m used to that now, but so weird. So then I’m like trying to like make this conversation and as we know I can talk to a brick wall and she’s like not giving me anything. So we wrap up then she offers to pay for my dinner because she made me late and I’m like no that feels like really weird to me like you’re gonna pay for my dinner she’s like no no no I insist I’m like, no, seriously, it’s not a big deal. So we leave and she’s like, okay, I’m gonna text you.
Like I’ll message you my number on Bumble, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So she never messages me on Bumble again. She then friend requests me on Facebook and Instagram, then deletes her profile on Bumble and like we never have any more conversation. So after that, I message her on Facebook because I’m like, hey, like, you know, I saw you deleted your account. I wanted to make sure you had my phone number in case you wanted to go do something again. She doesn’t respond.
Oh my gosh.
So clearly we were just like not meant to, I don’t know, be friends. But I took it hard. I was like, why doesn’t she want to be my friend?
It’s not like the worst experience, but it was very strange because we were expressing the same things. Like, we both moved here, it’s somewhere new, we want to make friends, yada yada, but yeah.
Do you remember how we became friends?
I think I forced you to be my friend.
Should we talk about that?
That was in the beginning of both of us creating our spaces. I mean, I want to say it was, I want to even say like 2020 is too late. Like, I really think that it was like very… But anyways, while you’re looking at that, I was just thinking about just our friendship in general and how this is a perfect example of how it’s always just been so easy. And Lisa and I met in real life.
We did. So when we met in real life, I was going to bring this up, that was the first time that I realized that you’re an introvert. I had no idea until we met in NOLA, like, not in a bad way, but I had no idea that you were an introvert.
Wait, why do you say that?
Like you said, you have a big personality and I could tell being like, I could tell that your social battery was just done. Yeah, so different. And again, not in a bad way, but that was the first time where I was like, she’s an introvert, like hundred percent.
Oh my gosh, that trip was so out of my comfort zone. So if you know Make Life Peachy and Meredith Renshaw RD, we had a long time ago planned to do a trip together. And Meredith lives in New Orleans, and we had planned something in September, and my flight got delayed to a point where it was almost not worth it for me to go because the traveling was so long, so we bumped it to November. Was it November? I think it was November. Yeah, it was November. And so we’re going there. First of all, just telling people that I was going to meet Instagram friends in New Orleans was like one thing in and of itself. They were like, you’re what? I remember I told my parents this and they were like, do you, do you know that they are actually like real people first of all? And second of all, you’re going to New Orleans to meet these people, out of all places.
And I was like, no, don’t worry, like we Zoom and we chat all the time, like I know they are real people, I’ve had them on my podcast, they’re amazing. Lisa and I continue to chat, and I had totally forgotten that she moved to Mississippi, so she is very close to New Orleans, and we were chatting the Thursday before I left and I was like, wait a minute, we’re gonna be so close this weekend. Let’s all hang out and come down. And I remember telling Grace and I was like pacing back and forth and I was like, I don’t know that I can do this trip. Like this is a lot like going away because I’m very much the kind of person, as you said, when I am done, I am done.
And it is almost to a flaw where when I have hit that social limit, I completely shut down. I am really good at turning it on when I have to, but when I know that I’m in a space where I can’t go any further, I remove myself from the situation. And so I was like, I’m not gonna be able to remove myself from the situation. Like, what am I gonna do? Like, this is literally socializing for three whole days. Oh my gosh. But it was amazing. It was the best time. And to go back to my point before, it was just like, obviously draining because that’s just how I am. But the fact that I could sit down with you guys and just like, be in the conversation for three hours, I mean, that is not me.
But I, it was, it was very like, surreal, like you were saying I remember because when I got there I texted you and I was like, I think I’m here Cuz I drove again that day was boring.
It was pouring rain. You’re like you’re like part two
Meeting friends for the second time. Oh, okay. Um Cuz I remember I texted you and I was like this is so weird like I feel like I know her so well but again had never met in person um I scrolled back to the beginning of our insta dms
Oh my god tell me
Our first dm was february 10th 2021 okay and then we just kind of like, I probably, it looks like we shared each other’s stories back in-
Oh, we’re so cute!
And then this is, this is the first like full-on message that you sent me. Hi, okay, just fully stalked your page. I’m obsessed and I feel like we would 1000% be best friends. You said-
I went after it!
Yeah, and I said, oh my god, I love that. Haha, also down to be insta besties. You said-
And then the rest is history.
And then I’m just like scrolling through this and I remember we would like not vent but like go back and forth and like essentially have our monthly, we have we have monthly zooms where we like chat and you know all the things uh because we don’t have co-workers so we don’t have people to like bounce ideas off of but I remember we were like hardcore venting in the DMs, just like talking about this stuff. And then you go, okay, I think we’ve reached the point where you just need my phone number. And then I was like, okay, now we’re actually gonna be like great friends because it’s official, I have her phone number.
Oh my gosh, that is too good. Oh, I forgot about that.
Because we were in the same-
You can go after it and it can work out.
Yeah, because we were in the same like business coaching program. That’s how we initially found out about each other.
Was that the starter? It must have been.
I think so, or maybe like right before, because when we talk in the beginning, it’s like all about kind of that business coaching, blah, blah, blah. But that’s when you…
We started venting about it. That’s probably what we were venting about.
But that’s when, like, you asked me to be on your podcast, like the first time we had just really met. And then I came into your first, like the first time that I was a guest speaker in your group, that was also very early on in our friendship.
Yes, I was like, this girl needs to be a part of my programs. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Yeah, we can take anything away from that business coaching. At least we got each other.
Yes, we do. We do. And now, I mean, not only are we great friends, but we work together, which is really awesome.
I know, so fun.
Oh my gosh, yeah. So anyways, long ramble short, I think that it is really freaking hard to find friends, especially after you’re done with school, and if I can give you any advice from my one friend that I have, no, I’m just kidding. But actually, it is, I mean, at the end of the day, the worst thing that can happen is they don’t respond to your Facebook message.
Yeah, I’ve been there. Hey, but it’s fine. We just weren’t meant to be friends. I feel like that was a reminder. That was the first time in a long time I was forced to make new friends. And it was a good reminder to me that like, not everyone has to like you. It’s like, not everyone’s gonna like you, not everyone’s going to vibe with you. And her and I just were not meant to be friends. Jack agrees. He’s just like looking at me through the computer.
I also think something that I had to learn the hard way is that if you are trying to make friends in an environment that is not conducive to your lifestyle, it is never gonna work out. So same thing for dating, which we talk about in the episode with Lisa, but I mean, if I am going out to a bar and trying to make girlfriends there, I mean, that is not me and it’s not gonna work out.
Yeah, so now like what I found works better is doing the things that you like to do. So like going to a yoga class, hitting up a coffee shop, like doing the things that I would love to do with a friend is the place that I want to meet a friend.
And virtual friends. I think that we live in an age where that isn’t as weird as it was before, where I’m like all of my friends are virtual and I just joined a virtual book club just to also like connect on that virtual level. Side note, I keep thinking about starting a book club and one that can just be like a fun and a also self-improvement where I can have like other people like come in obviously we’ll see if that happens but anyways join that and that’s been helpful as well.
Yeah that’s I did that I had a virtual book club through COVID and it was like a friend of a friend who posted on Instagram who I followed at the time and was like I want to do a book club this is a book we’re gonna read she was like like this story if you want to be a part of it. And she set it up, like kudos to her, because she set it up and would like moderate and then if there was a week that she couldn’t, she would like text in the group and say who can do it this week. But she picked out like all the questions and it was amazing. We only did one book and it kind of like lost its steam, but it was awesome.
I love that, yeah, so we’ll see. Any other thoughts on friends?
I feel like at this point in my life, I’m with you with the idea that I would rather have a few high quality friends than a huge group of girls. Like I have my four, and that’s like, I mean there’s others, but that ride or die. And that is so much more important than having, to me, to me, it’s so much more important than having 24 people that I’m friends with, but not, I’m just over that part of my life.
Yeah, me too, me too. Well, that is it on our friends episode. If you would like to hear about us talking about dating, head over to Lisa’s podcast, The Fully Fueled Life.
Yes. I never thought that was a tongue twister until now.
And we dive deep into dating. If you have any ideas on things that you would like us to talk about, you can DM either of us. I was writing down as you were talking, I definitely think in the works a Greek-like episode and a drinking episode.
Thank you so much for listening and thank you Lisa for the conversation.
Licensed Therapist, Certified Nutritionist, and Virtual Wellness Coach
Ryann is a licensed therapist and virtual wellness coach who has assisted individuals worldwide in establishing a healthier relationship with food and their bodies.
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