I was thinking about the mental load of motherhood after a Binge Eating Unchained group call I had recently. The conversation was raw and honest, and so much of it hit home. One client, Sarah, talked about her core belief that “other people’s needs are more important than mine,” a mindset shaped by watching her mother put everyone else first. This belief wasn’t just some small part of her life—it had become a massive weight she carried, influencing everything from her relationships to how she prioritized herself.

Another client, Emma, chimed in, sharing how she constantly feels like she owes her family for everything they’ve done for her. For her, taking time for herself feels like being a “horrible daughter” because we’ve been conditioned to believe that putting our needs first is selfish.

This conversation really got me thinking about the mental load we carry as moms. It’s this invisible checklist that just grows and grows, and the more we add to it, the more we feel guilty if we even consider doing something for ourselves. And then, when the mental load becomes too much, food becomes the quick fix. We turn to food because it’s fast, it’s comforting, and it’s there when we feel like nothing else is.

Rethinking the Idea of “Selfish”

What if we’ve been thinking about “selfish” all wrong? What if taking care of ourselves wasn’t this evil, guilt-ridden act but something absolutely necessary? Because you cannot pour from an empty cup. And yet, so many of us are running on empty, feeling drained, and still trying to be everything for everyone.

Right? Like, you’ve been up since the crack of dawn. You’ve got work, kids, errands, maybe a partner who wants some attention, too. By the time it’s 9 pm, you’ve got nothing left. You just want five minutes to yourself, but… no. That feels selfish, right? There are a million things that still need to get done, and the guilt creeps in: I should be doing more.

Why Is Taking Time for Yourself Considered Selfish?

It’s wild when you really think about it. We’ve been conditioned, especially as women and mothers, to believe that our worth is tied to how much we give and how much we do for others. Somewhere along the way, we picked up the message that sacrifice equals love, and that by constantly pouring from our own cup, we’re proving our value as a mother, a partner, a friend. It’s like this badge of honor we wear—“Look at all I do for everyone else!”—and then we wonder why we’re so drained.

A big part of this comes from generations of seeing women in our lives do the same. Like Sarah said in our group call, she learned from her mom to give, give, give, hoping that maybe, just maybe, people would do the same for her. But, they often don’t. And when they don’t, we’re left feeling resentful and empty. The world rarely applauds a mom who sets boundaries or takes a break. But if we push ourselves to exhaustion? Well, that’s practically celebrated.

So, we internalize this. We start believing that any moment we take for ourselves is selfish, that saying no to one more obligation means we’re failing someone. Even if it’s something as small as asking for help, or saying “no, I need a break,” it’s met with a knee-jerk reaction of guilt. And the guilt? It’s heavy. It sits there like a weight, convincing us that we’re doing something wrong by even daring to think about our own needs.

How the Mental Load Fuels Emotional Eating

And then—because it feels so uncomfortable to ask for that time or to say no—we start coping in other ways. We don’t give ourselves what we truly need (rest, peace, space), so we reach for something quick that feels good in the moment: food. It’s like, Okay, I can’t ask for what I really need, but I can have this piece of chocolate, or these chips, or whatever feels like comfort right now. And we convince ourselves it’s no big deal, until that cycle just keeps spinning.

The Cost of Ignoring Your Needs

The reality is, when you don’t take care of yourself and neglect your own needs, burnout is inevitable. You might start the day with the best intentions, but by the end, you’re emotionally and physically drained. You give and give until there’s nothing left in the tank, and eventually, that constant giving catches up with you. This can lead to resentment toward the people you love most—not because they’ve done anything wrong, but because you’ve pushed your needs so far down the list that you feel invisible.

When you’re running on empty, your ability to show up fully for the people you care about is compromised. You may be physically present, but mentally? You’re checked out, too tired and worn out to engage in the way you want to. The joy in your relationships fades when all you need is a moment for yourself, but you keep pushing forward. Ignoring your own needs isn’t good for anyone. Like trying to water a garden with an empty watering can, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t a luxury—it’s essential to being able to show up fully in life.

What If We Reframe “Selfish”?

So what if we reframe “selfish” to mean “self-care”? Because taking care of your needs is what allows you to take care of everything else. Imagine if we flipped the narrative and saw setting boundaries, taking time for ourselves, or even saying “no” as essential, rather than something to feel bad about.

And it doesn’t have to be some grand gesture. You don’t need to book a full spa day (unless you need it, in which case, DO IT). Sometimes, it’s the small, daily moments of being “selfish” that fill you up. Like taking a walk alone, saying no to that extra task at work, or taking an uninterrupted bath without a toddler banging on the door. It’s choosing to rest when you need it, instead of pushing through just because you think you should.

Prioritizing Yourself Isn’t Just for You—It’s for Everyone

When you prioritize yourself—when you allow yourself to be “selfish” in the healthiest, most necessary way—you’re actually doing everyone a favor. You’re showing up as the best version of yourself, rather than the drained, worn-out version that’s just barely hanging on.

Think about it this way: if you model for your kids, your friends, or your partner that you matter, that your needs deserve attention, too—aren’t you giving them permission to do the same? Imagine raising kids who grow up knowing that they don’t have to sacrifice their own well-being to take care of others. They’ll know that setting boundaries is healthy, and that taking care of themselves isn’t something to feel guilty about – all because you showed them how.

Let’s Rethink “Selfish”

You’ve been told your whole life that putting others first is what makes you a good mom, a good partner, a good friend. Somewhere along the way, you learned that your value comes from how much you give and how little you take for yourself. But here’s what you really need to hear: Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s survival. It’s the only way you can keep showing up for the people you love without losing yourself in the process.

You are not a better mom because you run yourself into the ground. You are not a better partner because you say yes when your soul is screaming for a break. And you are not a better friend because you’re always available at the cost of your own well-being. The people who love you don’t want a version of you that’s worn out, resentful, or exhausted. They want you—the vibrant, alive, and fulfilled version of yourself. And the only way to get there is by tending to your own needs without guilt, without apology.

When you prioritize your needs, you’re giving others permission to do the same. You are teaching your kids that taking care of yourself is part of life, not something to be ashamed of. You are setting a standard for how you want to be treated. And you are filling yourself up so that you can give from a place of abundance, not depletion. Putting yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s powerful. And when you can embrace that, you’ll find that you have more to give, not less.