099. A Bulimia, Binge Eating, and Alcoholism Recovery Story ft. Renae Saager; @renaesaager

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Ryann Nicole


Connect with Renae

📲 Instagram: @renaesaager

🎙 Podcast: Ditch The Binge Podcast

Episode Transcript

Ryann

You guys, welcome back to the Food Freedom Lab. I am so excited. I have Renee with us today and I’ve heard parts of her story, but I’m just equally excited not only for you to get to hear her story, but for me to get to hear her entire story selfishly because I haven’t heard it yet. But Renee is just, I’m just so excited to introduce you to her because not only is she does such a positive light and have so much to offer, but she’s just so real and authentic and raw in her content. Like it’ll just make you smile. Like if you’re looking for someone to add to your feed that is just a bright light, we’re gonna get you connected to Renee because she’s your gal. But anyways, Renee, thank you so much for coming on to the Food Freedom Lab today. So appreciate you being here.

Renae

Oh, I’m thrilled to be here. I can’t wait. I love these kinds of conversations, so I’m equally as stoked.

Ryann

Yay. Okay. We’re just going to go ahead and dive in. So will you just share with us when you remember first either feeling negative around your body or first kind of changing the way that you felt about food, the depths of it, your rock bottom moment, and then how you kind of got to where you are today.

Renae

Yeah, when did it first, it was like a real, in the beginning, it was very gradual. It was like, you know, I was in my early teens, so my body was obviously changing. I was going through period stuff, and just becoming more aware of boys, and all the stuff that goes along with that age. And I had always been in sports. I always played soccer and was active. And growing up, my dad always has a gym in the basement and just kind of grew up with that lifestyle. But I started noticing that when I worked out more, my body changed a little bit. And I started then getting a little bit more into the magazines.

And so while my mom was at Safeway, I would sit in the magazine aisle and like flip through oxygen and be like, oh, okay, so the protein is the good and definitely don’t eat the carbs, eat this, not that. Like I really started to study these things and I found it fascinating because it was like brand new and I was excited by it. And so I started paying more and more attention to that and reading more and more about it and it didn’t take long for my 14 year old body to begin changing a little bit. Cause I was never like overweight, but I was like a normal 14 year old girl, right? Like I had a little bit of tummy and I just had a body. And so I started losing a little bit of weight and people started commenting on it and like, oh my gosh, you’re doing all these things, you don’t even eat this anymore, that’s amazing. And my mom was always on a diet.

My dad was always on some kind of diet, but usually for like, I wanna get shredded and like, I wanna be as young as I can for as long as I can and like, drink a green smoothie in the morning, sweetie, let’s go. And not that he’s like a bro at all, he’s like a bald dentist, but whatever. I don’t know why I gave him that voice. So I just kind of grew up with that, with that. And you know, I started getting all these compliments. And then it just kind of like hit this just like ice patch where it really just took off. And what used to be compliments about my body and how do you not eat and how do you work out so much and tell me, tell me, tell me, started to become whispers in the background of like, have you seen Renee? She never eats.

Can you believe it? Like the same girls that were asking me how I don’t eat are now talking shit behind my back about how I don’t eat at lunch. And that was painful as a, I was probably 15 or 16 at that point. I didn’t really know how to manage that because when you’re 15 or 16, your friend groups are everything. And like, I kind of started getting pushed out by a certain friend and isolated it and just ostracized from everyone that was in my social circle. So to navigate that pain, I stopped going to lunches and I started going home and running. And I was like, fine, I don’t have to feel, I’m not gonna feel sad. I don’t need to feel sad, I’m better than that, I’m just gonna run. I’m gonna go, I’m gonna run, I’m gonna make my sandwich on 45 calorie bread or whatever, and I’m not gonna eat, I’m gonna do all that stuff. And then people started getting more and more alarmed.

And then I started nightly binge eating, because as you probably know, you can only restrict for so long, you’re either gonna die or you’re gonna binge. Thankfully, I started binge eating. And it was terrifying to me, because I had no idea what was going on, because I couldn’t stop. Like it was, and I would tell my mom like mom. I can’t stop eating You don’t understand and at that point I was very very thin and so she said well good you need to eat And I was like, but it’s not eating like it’s this animal it’s an animalistic behavior, and I can’t stop and It just it consumed me and I lived in that cycle for so long where I’d wake up I’d be bloated from the binge before, but I’d work out. I wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t eat. And then three or four, the wheels fell off. I’d start eating everything.

I’d stay up till 11 or 12, eating everything into the night, wake up, hit the treadmill in the basement, rinse and repeat for years. And ultimately, there was one night, because I would get so full, I would eat like all the raisins out of the raisin brand box. Like my dad got so pissed. He’s like, where’s the raisins? I was like, I don’t know. I was just like hiding all these things that I thought was I was being real sneaky and I was not being sneaky at all. But one night I got so full. Like I remember Googling a few times, can you tear your stomach? Because I was just like so full that I couldn’t, I couldn’t stand upright. Like it hurt my back, it hurt my everything hurt. And that was the first time I threw up. I just remember crossing a line from like, restricting was fine, purging was like a different territory.

And I was like, Oh, no, like restricting is almost applauded. purging is not okay. And I was like, Whoa, this is I never thought I would do this. I just, I never did. And boy, that even hit a faster ice patch that just threw me into these binge purge spirals that would be ours. I, you know, you shared your story on my podcast and I really related where your story about the Friday night thing, your final binge, I was like, oh my God, that was me so many times where I would get so excited when I knew no one was gonna be home. It was the highlight. I couldn’t wait to get home. I had all my favorite foods and I was gonna lay it all out. I was gonna make this and that and this and be by myself. And as quickly as it got there, it left. And I got so tired of just thinking about food.

The only time I had reprieve was when I was asleep. Otherwise, I was terrified I was gonna gain weight, worrying how I was gonna get rid of the weight, worrying about binging, worrying about restrict, like, it was all-consuming. And I always give this example as I kind of felt like a lizard in a desert where you’re just like, ding, ding, like you just zip, zip, zip, zip. That was my life, just like manic insanity. And then I discovered alcohol. And I was like, oh. First, I thought restricting was the answer or exercise and then I thought purging was the answer but then I couldn’t end up controlling any of those so then I was like oh my god alcohol it does what I needed food to do it quiets everything and that was a big thing for me with my food was it made me not think it made me not worry about my friendships. It made me not worry about not having a boyfriend or kissing anyone.

It made me not worry about not feeling like I was with the cool people. It made, it was like my, my protective mechanism. And I then turned into, turned into drinking because it, it not only quieted it, but it made me not want to eat. And I was like, hell yeah, this is the best. The thing with alcohol is that it’s a lot harder to hide when you’re wasted and other than binging. Like you can go to work after a binge, mid binge, binge at work, whatever people are gonna know. Not so easy with alcohol. I was fired from many jobs. You know, the alcoholism, I drank in the way that I ate, which was like hard and fast. Like I really, I went hard. And I started drinking more alcoholically around age 18.

And that was like, you know, I shifted from binge eating to bulimia around 17. And I started like really developing a bad alcohol problem at 18. I tried going to college. It was a nightmare. Same thing. Like, I just never felt like I fit in with the girls. And, and a big part of that was because I was always. Prioritizing exercise or eating. Like they would go out at night and I would be like, well, I have to go to sleep because I have to get up and run in the morning. Or I need to go home because I know that I need to binge and purge from this time and then I can wake up. And just, it consumed my entire life and kept me completely shut out. And truly, truly what I was actually hungry for in those years was connection. I was craving connection and community and to feeling included and to feeling safe.

And I just didn’t have that. And so I kept eating and drinking. I eventually got, like I was very addicted to alcohol. I had severe withdrawals. I went into rehab three separate times for that to get sober. And I ended up moving to Portland and living in clean and sober living because my parents kicked me out of the house. They took my car, all the roommates that I had kicked me out because I just destroyed everything. And I finally got sober on 7-25-09. So I just celebrated 13 years. But when I got sober, like it was good and all, and I was excited because it took me a long time to get sober, but a couple of weeks after I was sober, my food stuff came back. And I was like, damn it. Like, I’m going to be riddled with this forever. I can’t get a break. There’s something inherently wrong with my makeup that I will never be able to figure out this life thing. Like, how do people do this?

I don’t know. And so, you know, over the next handful of years, I tried everything. I mean, I went to food addict meetings. I didn’t take my credit card to work. I meal prepped and planned. I mean, anything and everything you can think of to try and manage food, I did. And every time I would go, like I could make it three or four days and then I’d go right back to it. And there was a point where I remember thinking like, if I keep binging and purging and just having this consume my life, what’s the point? I should just go back and drink and just die in an alley somewhere because what’s the point? What’s the point of all of this? And over the next couple of years, my food got better where I was able to maintain relationships. I was working full-time. I was sober for five years or so.

So like I was getting my life together, but I was certainly not free of the food stuff. I was still living a double life. I was still present. I was working in hospitals. I thought I wanted to go into nursing because I thought that was a respectable career. I hated it. And I would go work a 12 hour shift and then I would like come home and binge for the next three hours alone in my bedroom. And it was awful. I hated it. And I did that for a long time. I did that for like five or six years. And a lot of that was me trying to do what I thought was right in life. Like I was, school was always hard for me. I don’t know if I have learning disabilities or whatever, but I always had tutors. I always had to go to summer school. It was just, it was, I had to, I had to work so hard to keep my grades up and to get things into my brain. And I just, I just felt like, okay, I’m going to do it right now.

Like I struggled in school, but I I’m on this path. I’m going to get into nursing and I’m going to do it right. I’m going to have a respectable career. People can look up to me and I’m going to do it right. But it was like everything in my body. And I really do think a lot of my binging and purging was still because I was not Living in a in a way that I wanted I was still trying to put myself into this Mold that that the world was saying. Oh my god. You’re a nurse. That’s amazing. That’s oh, it’s incredible and I was not happy and So I ended up shifting gears and going to work at Trader Joe’s, which I loved back in the day. That was one of my favorite jobs. I think they’ve changed a lot now, but when I worked there, it was great. I met my now partner. We’ve been together for six years.

It’s actually called a Trader Joe-mance because everyone at Trader Joe’s is like married or dating. So just so you know, don’t ever hit on anyone in there because they’re probably married. Their wife’s probably like, okay, bitch, let’s see what you’re doing. Like they’re always married or everyone’s having sex with everyone. It’s wild. It’s fun. But, side note, I was working at Trader Joe’s for a few years and then my mom died. I was in Portland State at the library and was studying for finals. It took me 12 years to get my four-year degree because all I was doing was drinking or binging and it’s really challenging to study when you have all that stuff going on. So, it took me 12 years to get that stupid four year degree, but by God, I got it. And it was finals week and my brother called me and my mom had fallen and she wasn’t sick. I talked to her that morning.

She was telling me, we were talking on Facebook Messenger and she was gonna paint the garage. And something happened, she fell off the ladder. I drove to Harborview Medical and she was on life support and she died the next day. And after that, you know, after like six months-ish to a year of like grieving and just going through all the things that come when someone dies, it was like such an awakening for me. I mean, again, my life at that point, I was at Trader Joe’s, I was dating my guy, my best friends worked at Trader Joe’s, like I had my car, I had money in the bank, and I was still binging and purging. Occasionally at Trader Joe’s, I would think, how much fun would it be to just get locked in here and just eat all night? Like, what a messed up thought. Like, I just wanna be by myself alone in a grocery store so I can eat the way I want, like, what? But I, like, those are the things that I would think.

And, you know, it was when my mom died that I was just like, oh my gosh, for 15 years, this has been my life. Eat, restrict, maybe have a few months there where I was doing really good and I was just, actually I was just restricting the whole time and then eventually I wouldn’t be able to maintain that so I would rebound and binge for the next five weeks more severely than ever. It was almost like punishment for doing quote unquote good but really it was just me because I was freaking hungry from not eating enough for five weeks or whatever. But it was after she died that I was just like, I have nothing to show. I have nothing besides trying to achieve the perfect body, obsessing about the scale, trying to figure out the perfect meal plan.

And that was when things really started to shift for me, I think because the fragility of our lives or the shortness of our lives really got thrown into my face. And I just, I got to the point where I was like, fuck it. If I have to gain some weight, I’m gonna gain some weight. And I had to be in that level of willingness and acceptance to make that change. And the interesting thing is that, you know, like I had mentioned, my life wasn’t falling apart. I was actually in a really good place, which I think is interesting that it wasn’t like a really rock bottom moment. Whereas when I got sober, it was a rock bottom moment. You know, everyone had left me. I was living in Oxford, I had no money, no car, like I had nothing.

And, but when I decided to really change my relationship with food, things were going really well, but I had a very clear moment where I was like, I know what I want my life to look like. I know that I want to be married and have friends and be able to go out to dinner and be able to be active and to be able to wake up and not be bloated or have a sore throat or worry about rappers and this and that. Like I can so clearly see how I want to live the next 50 years of my life, the next five years of my life. And this isn’t it. This part isn’t it. So whatever I have to do, I’m gonna do it. And that was when I really started to shift my relationship with food. I was like, I’m not purging. I’m gonna make sure I’m eating food. I’m gonna support myself. I’m gonna read up on this. I’m gonna find people that get it. I’m gonna go to whatever lengths I have to, because I’m not gonna keep doing this.

And then, you know, it wasn’t just that one simple thing. Like, it’s ongoing work, right? Like, for me, a big part of my food stuff was anxiety management. And so I have to still be really careful and cautious about my own stress and anxiety and not push myself too hard, because I was just talking about this on a group call like food and booze are my coping mechanisms. I gotta be careful. When things aren’t in alignment with me, some people may be able to just take the quote unquote edge off with a gin and tonic at the end of the day. I don’t get to. So I have to talk about that shit.

And it’s annoying sometimes, but also such a relief because I don’t think many people have that skill. They just shove it down with food, with alcohol, with all of the things. And so, you know, I’m at this, like I said, the work doesn’t just end, but, you know, I really truly do feel free of food and body stuff. And I never thought that would be true. Like I still have, I don’t know, 50 journals of like, today, this is what I ate today. This is, I mean, just, oh, just journal after journal of that stuff So yeah, that’s what my story.

Ryann

I just I mean I appreciate you so much the real the raw that everything and When you said like in the beginning when you started binge eating you’re either gonna die or gonna binge I think that well, there’s so many things But like that first of all, I think is something that so many people don’t realize. And I know that that was the case for me. I used to be so angry that this was my life and that I struggled with binge eating. And there was never one point that I stopped to realize if I kept doing what I was doing, I would have died. And thank God I started, like, thank God. And I mean, wow. What a line. When you went to rehab for alcohol, did you talk about any of your food stuff there? Did that come up at all?

Renae

Oh my gosh. I have so many traumatic stories from that. So yes, I did because I really, really, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to maintain my sobriety if I didn’t get a hand on my food. And I’m so glad you brought this up because this is such a huge part is that my food was my main thing. My alcohol was what I brought in because I couldn’t figure out my food. But when I would go into rehab, no one cared. I was like, and I have bulimia, I need help with this. They’re like, okay, yeah, well, you need to get sober first. I agree, you have to be sober. Like that’s a given, you gotta be sober to figure stuff out. But when I was in there, there was minimal. In the three rehab centers I went to, there was one where I actually went and worked with a nutritionist that was not terrible, that actually knew stuff about eating disorders.

But one counselor that I had in my very first facility that I went to, I told her like, you don’t understand, I can’t stop, I don’t know what to do. Her solution, she gave me a toilet brush and cleaner. And she said, anytime you throw up, you have to go to your room and get this and walk across. Cause it was like this big house and you have to walk across everyone to the bathroom. So everyone knows that you threw up and then you have to clean the toilet. That was the solution, like shaming me into change.

Ryann

Oh my gosh.

Renae

And so I was like, okay. And it was never supportive. Like I was, that was just, I was the worst with my food then because I just, I was so, I was like a cat you’re trying to give a bath to. Like I was just clawing for dear life. And like, I would shove bread in the pockets of my sweatshirt and instead of anyone helping me, I would get written up for it. I would just, I would like get reprimanded for it and it was just like, I was so stressed out. Like all, I was in such fight or flight that I, it was the only thing I had. Nobody was helping me. All of the facilities I went to, there was, there was one that I went to, it was pretty nice. And same thing though, they had someone watch me to see and how many times I would go to the vending machine and what I would get. And they’d be like, we know that you’re doing this. And I’d be like, I know, me too, help me. This is why I’m here. You don’t understand, I’m here because I can’t stop this food stuff, help me. And they’re like, well, we, you know, okay. Like they just, there was no support. There was no support around it.

Ryann

I think that what’s so tough about that, that not a lot of people realize is that when you’re in school to get your bachelor’s in psych and counseling, like there’s one class on eating disorders. And so just going to any therapist for, I mean, it breaks my heart that so many aren’t educated in this because then you get experiences like yours. And then you’re like, okay, the belief that there’s something wrong with me is just reiterated because of this therapist is treating me like this. Then what does that mean about me?

Renae

Yeah. Well, and I don’t know what the official, I’ve looked it up in the past, but the statistics with the dual diagnosis between binge eating or bulimia and eating disorders is like 50%. It’s wildly high. There is such a need for that under the disorder, eating, eating disorder knowledge around women that struggle with, and you don’t have to be in a quote unquote alcoholic. You know, I mean, I see this in clients too, where it’s just like, if I’m not drinking, I’m eating. If I’m not eating, I’m drinking. And like really making sense of those two because they’re so closely connected. But it’s like the addiction counselors and the eating disorder counselors never communicate. You know, it’s, there’s just a major disconnect and people need to be on the same wavelength because it’s not completely different.

Ryann

No, no. With that being said, I’m really curious, like after you went into sobriety, did you ever try to use the same mindset in regards to, okay, maybe the answer is abstinence with food and like cutting it out. And like, tell me about that from your own personal experience, like fully experiencing both sides.

Renae

Yeah, so I, one night where I was just, couldn’t stop eating and I was like, I think I searched, am I a food addict? And it came up, food addicts meeting, and I was like, that’s me. Like, hell yeah, that is a name I identify with. And I went to this meeting and I heard there was a meal plan. And so I was like, well, maybe I don’t need to go. I’m just going to search the meal plan. But I couldn’t find that stupid meal plan anywhere. So I was like, fine, I’ll just go to this stupid meeting. And so I went to the meeting and I got myself a sponsor that lived somewhere else, different time zone, I had to call her so early, at 5 a.m. And what you have to do is you have to commit your food.

So I had to read off my food to her at 5 a.m. And if I ate even a green bean more than I was supposed to, and I know this because I did it, you have to start your day count over. So I was like, okay, I’m ready. And it was no flour, no sugar, weigh and measure everything, plan everything out. The only way you can change anything is if you drop your food on your floor or it’s moldy. Otherwise, it has to be exactly that. And I remember I got three days and it was the first time in years that I had ever made it three days of just waking up, eating food and going to sleep. And I was like, this is how normal people experience their day. They don’t have the insanity. They don’t have the driving around, the throwing away the wrappers, the lying, the manipulating.

They just, they don’t know how good they got it. This is easy. But then I got really hungry because I was literally so underfed. I mean, I was so under, the meal plan was ridiculous. It’s no wonder. And I tried for probably three or four years in and out of AA or FA, Food Addicts Anonymous, and OA, Overeaters Anonymous meetings, trying a slew of sponsors. I met with people. I was like, why can’t I get, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this? Why do I keep binging? And it was just like, well, are you praying? Are you committing your food? Maybe you need a different sponsor? Well, where are you not being honest? And I was like, oh, like, in and in reality, I was not eating enough food, the food, it was such a restrictive eating plan.

And, you know, it made sense in a way to me, like, don’t eat flour, sugar, okay, well, that’s like a lot of the food I binge on, so that makes sense. But I mean, I remember, and you have these certain windows that you could eat at, I just remember like shaking, because I was so hungry that the second the clock hit 1130 for lunch, I ate my lunch in like 47 seconds, because I was starving. And then I would hang on until the next meal, and that was how I just would try and live. And so it was no wonder that eventually I would just be like, I have to eat everything because I was just, I was so hungry. And yeah, so I, I bounced in and out of those rooms for three or four years.

And I just, I, I kind of felt worse. I kind of felt worse, but what I also thought was really interesting was that like people in the rooms that I was going to that would say, I have 45 days or whatever. Like I would see them when I was out binging, I would see them eating too. I was like, they’re lying. And so I was like, how many people are even being honest?

Ryann

Yeah.

Renae

So I was like, is anyone, is this even working for anyone? Like, is everyone just showing up, pretending that this is cool and we’re enjoying life? Is anyone really doing well in here? And like over the years, I saw so many people come in and out and just all of that. So I just, I was like, I don’t think anyone’s really doing well in this program. So that was my experience with it.

Ryann

I mean, I spent a lot of time in OA and FA, and I don’t know about yours, but ours had the chips, so like, you know, every day. And then I just remember going back to the bucket and like taking the 24 hour and taking the 24 hour and feeling that shame over and over again. And then not to mention this spiral of, you know, I already know I have to go back and take a new chip tomorrow. So I’m gonna go so hard tonight.

Ryann

Oh yeah.

Renae

Oh my gosh. The day before I went to Food Addicts Anonymous meeting, I hit every single like discount pastry place that I could think of. Like I hit all the grocery outlets and I just loaded it because I was like, well, this is my last hurrah, so I better get it in. With that being said, throughout that entire process, I mean, when did you realize or when did you recognize and maybe come out of denial that what you were doing with food was problematic and or disordered? That took me a long time actually, because part of me wanted to be able to exist on a really restrictive meal plan.

Part of me was like, oh great, this is gonna help me stay skinny. I was like, and I have people supporting me and cheering me on to not eat, this is great. So part of me really wanted that to work. But I would say like a few years, it was a few years later when I just started eating more, just eating more and feeling more sane and not binging as much and not purging as much like a decrease by like 50%. And then I was like, Oh, I wasn’t eating enough. You know, so while I was in it, I really I, it didn’t, I just thought I was like this hungry, hungry hippo that needed way more food than everyone. And I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just sit through the hunger and wait.

Ryann

That self-control feast. Same. I was like, why am I not disciplined? I used to be so disciplined before. What’s wrong with me now? When you decided, you’re like, I’m willing, I’ve accepted, I am ready. What were your next steps? What did you do to get to where you are now?

Renae

Well, I made that first commitment, I’m not going to throw up. That had to happen first. That had to happen first. And I really, I had to recommit to myself like all the time, every day. And I had to talk to my boyfriend about it. And thankfully he’s so understanding. Like he’s had his own food stuff. Definitely not the extreme that I was, but he could relate. He’s like, I used to hit like three McDonald’s on the way home. So he was always a very, very safe person for me to talk to. And when we were dating, I had gone into residential treatment. So he was aware of stuff. And so I talked to him a lot and I had a lot of fear around it. Like, oh my gosh, what if, will you, I asked him so many times, will you still love me if I gain weight? But I was so scared. I was like, I just, it was so scary.

And I really thought I was going to gain like 500 pounds. I just really, truly did. I really, really worked on staying in the day, in the moment. I read more intuitive eating. I found more podcasts to listen to. I got really dialed in on my Instagram. Like I really unfollowed a lot. I really re-followed a lot. And I just brought as much of that kind of content into my life as I could. I brought as much of that support into my life as I could. I really, I feel like I had a lot of stuff going on in my head in the beginning, especially around exercise because I love exercise. I’ve always been kind of fit.

And I know that it’s a very slippery slope for me. So I got into triathlons and that was one time where, and I still love them. I think they’re so fun, but that switch can get flipped in my brain where it turns from fun to compulsive. And I have to be really aware of that. And so I had to do a lot of self-talk of just like, okay, we don’t have to, we can just go to the gym for 10 minutes and okay, we’re just, we’re getting hungry now. So we’re not going to stop at McDonald’s and eat six cheeseburgers. Instead, we’re going to go home and we’re going to have an actual nourishing meal. And okay, it’s okay to have a bowl of ice cream. And like everything just was, like I had to put a lot of attention into it in the beginning, but then over, like the further away I got from it, the easier it became.

And I realized that I am not actually a bottomless pit. I actually get full. And I actually don’t want ice cream and donuts and pizza 24 seven. And I actually enjoy vegetables and grilled chicken. And so I just, I kind of came into that trust with myself around all of these foods and like, oh, when I let myself eat this, it’s the weirdest thing. Like I don’t feel like I have to eat all of it when no one’s looking. So that over time, that trust around food and with my body that like, oh, my body’s kind of the same. Like, it’s kind of just what it is. Like, this hasn’t changed that much. So I, through experiencing that, I built that trust with myself.

Ryann

When you first initially made that commitment to yourself, like, I’m not purging anymore, like non-negotiable, that’s where I’m starting. What helped you sit with the anxiety of keeping that food in your stomach?

Renae

Oh my gosh. So I remember we had dinner reservations at a nice steakhouse and I was excited. So I normally, like old anorexic restricting Renee would not eat all day so I could eat whatever I wanted without guilt at dinner. And I was like, I’m not doing that anymore. But a weird thing happened where like dinner was at seven, I had lunch at noon. And so it was like three and I knew I wouldn’t make it till seven. So I was like, okay, I’m just gonna have a snack because I know that for dinner, I need a snack. That snack turned into a full meal. And I know now it’s because I was still like trying to not eat a lot before my dinner out. And so I could get dessert and have all the things.

So I ended up eating a lot in that meal. It wasn’t a binge, but it was a lot of food for just a snack. And I was so full. I mean, to my throat. I was like, and I have to go sit down and eat a meal? And I was like, I know how to solve this. And I was like, nope. And I went to that stupid steak restaurant and I got a salad and I took home half of my meal and I sat there through the whole thing and I chatted and I was like, you know what, I’m not that hungry. I’m going to have this. I’m going to get it because I knew that if I didn’t eat it, it would mess with my head even more. And then I’d go home and binge because I’d feel like I was restricting and all these hoops that we jumped through.

So I ordered what I wanted. I took it home. I ate some while I was there. I took the rest home and I just I made it through that day. And when I made it through that day, it was like another tally mark for for Renee. And I was like, Oh, I did it like I can feel these I can feel really full. And then I wake up the next day and I’m fine. Like, oh, like I never really sat through that discomfort of being full and let it balance out. But you know, there were definitely some times where I was like, really full. And would just I was like, Okay, this is what we’re doing because I know what the other, I know what the other actions result in and it never, it never ends well. It never ends well. So I’m just going to sit with this and be uncomfortable for a few hours.

Ryann

And what about fear of weight gain? What helps you with that?

Renae

By the time I got to that point of like really wanting to go like create the sanity around my I had gained a pretty significant amount of weight considering where I had been from. So I didn’t really gain a ton of weight. And so I didn’t have to work through a ton of that in the moment. Now, back in the day when I was really underweight, oh man, I can’t tell you how many meltdowns in my closet that I had, how many rotations of wardrobes, just full wardrobes that I had to go through. Like I would have bought the cutest clothes with my mom and then it didn’t fit and I was just mortified. And that is some of the hardest work I think anyone will ever do, is accepting your body changing.

Whether it’s weight gain, whether it’s pregnancy and after postpartum, whether it’s aging, like, it’s hard, it is so hard. And so, you know, I leaned a lot on my partner and thankfully he’s always like I like really don’t care not that I ever Not that that solves it, but it was helpful to hear those things And buying buying clothes that I liked that fit My body was really important for me because every time when I would try and shove myself into something that just didn’t fit right or the Jeans dug in like I just get so angry So I mean there were so many layers to the body acceptance piece, which I still have to work on because like I said, our bodies are always going to be changing and ebbs and flows and I’m much easier on myself because even on my days where I look in the mirror and I’m like, what?

You know, it’s just like, I don’t know, man. It’s like, it’s not going to look like that forever. Like what? Like I will literally think 48 hours ago, I thought I was fine. Like what? It’s it’s fine. Like I’m just I ate Chinese food last night. I’m fine. So I’ve like really released a lot of that tension to because I don’t because I feel safe now. I don’t feel like my my worth is hinging upon my body anymore.

Ryann

For anybody who is listening right now that is in that kind of like trench feeling of I don’t know how to get out of this I feel hopeless like everything is just spinning I am so overwhelmed like I feel like this is gonna be my entire life what words would you have for them?

Renae

Well it’s not true it’s absolutely not true the second thing I would say is like the biggest tip that I give every single person is like make sure you’re having full meals like you will I can’t believe I mean I can, but I can’t believe how many women come and just implementing that, like three big ass meals and some snacks because yeah, but like just that alone can take 50% of that anxiety away. Like of course it depends and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But like that’s one thing I would say. And I would also say, you know, like I had just said is that it’s, it’s entirely possible.

Like it is entirely possible. And you know, you mentioned this on my podcast too, but you do experience this shift where you’re like, okay, I don’t want this anymore. You know, you had it at the Friday night with college and you’re like looking at your Snapchat and you’re like, this sucks. Like, I don’t wanna be by myself, I want that. You know, and so that was the same thing for me where I was like, I don’t want this anymore. And so really when you do reach that point, because I will say too, for many years, I loved my eating disorder. Like I was like, this is the best, I don’t need anyone. It was my protective mechanism, right? It was my escape.

Ryann

My best friend.

Renae

Yeah, yeah. And I reached that point where I was like, okay, this doesn’t work in the way that it used to, how do I get out? So anyone that’s in the trenches, you know, I would say, what is it that you want your life to look like and really start to create that. And you don’t have to be like free of food and body stuff. You know, like I left nursing and went to Trader Joe’s and my food and body stuff wasn’t cleared up. I was just, I just needed a change. And so what can you do to start creating that change that you really want? Not everything has to be perfect in an alignment before you make those shifts.

Ryann

What about for someone who is struggling with both the alcohol and food piece?

Renae

Well, I guess one thing I would be curious to know about is like, first off, how bad is the alcohol, right? Like I needed to be in treatment. I was an alcoholic, but a lot of ladies aren’t. You know, the first thing I would say is, are you resting enough during the day? I think that we often use food in the evening or alcohol in the evening, because especially like the go-getter women is just from five or 6 a.m. whenever we wake up and go to spin class or whatever until seven at night is it’s just, we’re redlined all day long. And so when we get home and you’re sitting down, it’s the first time all day long you’ve been able to just take a deep breath.

And so then you, of course, you add the wine in because it’s like, finally my alone time, I love this, but you don’t really because then you feel terrible. And so I would say like, are you taking a lunch break? Do you need to take a 30 minute nap? Are you eating adequate meals during the day? Like where do you need to give yourself a little bit more time in the day so that you don’t feel like you need to so dramatically take the edge off at night?

Ryann

Yeah, yeah, powerful. I think that that is, it’s one of those things where I think that because the disorder and the chaos feels so drastic, it feels like the solution must be something so huge. And I know for me, like initially when it was like, okay, eat three meals and I’m like, okay, and what else? Like, what’s the bulk?

Renae

Yeah.

Ryann

But like the little things like meals, like plugging off your computer, like slowing down. I mean, huge. Yes. In honor of the Food Freedom Lab, what does food freedom mean to you?

Renae

Food freedom to me means being able to go out with my boyfriend. Cause his, you know what his favorite three foods are? Cheeseburgers, hot dogs, and pizza. Like what am I dating a five-year-old? Do we have the same partner? That’s all, every time I’m like, let’s go get some Thai or some Vietnamese or some Indian, he’s like, I bought some pizza. I’m like, oh. And so like, to me, that is really, every time I go out and like, we get a fried chicken sandwich, I’m like, I’m so thankful that I can eat this. Like what a treat. Or when we go get bagel sandwiches before we take the dog to the park, I’m like, this is so nice to just be able to go do this. So that is food freedom to me, is to like be able to enjoy those moments in my life with my partner, with my dog, with my family, with holidays, all of that.

Ryann

So freaking beautiful. Renee, if listeners want to connect with you, chat with you more, learn from you more, where can they find you?

Renae

Yes, they can find me on Instagram at Renee Sager. I also have a podcast, Ditch the Binge, or my website, which is also reneesager.com.

Ryann

Amazing, and I will have those all linked below. Thank you so much again. I so appreciate you, and this is everything.

Renae

Yeah, thank you. Thanks for having me.

Disclaimer: If you have or suspect that you have an eating disorder, please contact a qualified health care professional immediately. If you are located in the United States and are experiencing a medical or health emergency, please call 911 or call for appropriate emergency medical help. 

Ryann Nicole

Licensed Therapist, Certified Nutritionist, and Virtual Wellness Coach

Ryann is a licensed therapist and virtual wellness coach who has assisted individuals worldwide in establishing a healthier relationship with food and their bodies.

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Ryann is a licensed therapist and virtual wellness coach who has assisted individuals worldwide in establishing a healthier relationship with food and their bodies.