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Episode Transcript

Ryann

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the Food Freedom Lab. I have another incredible guest today on here to share her recovery story. I have Cilla with us. Cilla, thank you so much for coming on today. I just so appreciate your time.

Cilla

Thank you for having me.

Ryann

So I’ve heard and seen just from your post little snippets of your story here and there, but I haven’t heard everything. So I’m really, really eager to know where it all started for you, what happened, and then how you got to where you are in recovery now.

Cilla

Yes, sure. So I have a long history battling and fighting with ED. I grew up in a low socioeconomic status family. much a part of this impoverished family that experienced a lot of food desert. And so there was a lot of feelings of scarcity and labeling foods as good and bad because we didn’t have access to quote unquote junk food or the foods that we were desiring. far and few between. I have memories of me and my brother, we would eat those desired foods like one to two days after my dad would go and purchase them because we were so excited to have them and we weren’t sure when we would get them again. And so that was kind of the start of what binging looks like for me.

And I also because we were in a low SES family, I was always encouraged to clean my plate and not listen to those fullness cues. I mean, I have memories of being like seven to 10 years old where I would intentionally like hide food because I would be so full. And I was afraid of not wanting to face those consequences of my dad finding out that I didn’t eat all my food and what that would look like. And on top of all of that, there was that layer of just my family really struggling with diet culture and being uncomfortable in their body size. my close family members around me and going in and out of these diets to lose weight.

And I remember many years of New Year’s revolutions that would be like, all right, diet starts on Monday. And that would only last a few weeks. And then I would witness my family members binging. And so that’s kind of the introduction to my eating disorder and was later fueled by a lot of experience with trauma from bullying and objectification and later coping with feelings throughout sexual and physical abuse.

Ryann

So when you say thank you so much for sharing that, I’m so curious to know, like, witnessing witnessing family members binging along with your own experience binging, did that make it less secretive for you then? Or was there still like a secretive element?

Cilla

It started out as just very normalized. And later when I experienced more of that sexual and physical abuse, it became more secretive in a way to cope with some of those negative feelings that I was having about my body.

Ryann

And because that was so normalized, like when did you realize maybe what I’m doing with food isn’t, I don’t want to say normal, but you know what I mean?

Cilla

Yeah, I honestly didn’t really realize what, how like uncommon that was in family systems until I had a relapse just recently, like two and a half years ago, and started to connect like, oh, binge eating is actually also an eating disorder, because that wasn’t recognized when I was binging. That wasn’t a thing, and it was just always like overeating or getting excited about food and using food for comfort. It wasn’t, it wasn’t so much about, oh, I’m binging. Is this wrong? Or is this like what I’m doing right or wrong? And when you were like, okay, I am ready to do something different. What did that look like for you? So that came from a lot, the piece of me realizing that my benches were connected to coping with some negative emotions.

And it got to the point where I wasn’t a place where I was starting to hide a food intentionally and binge in secret with my roommates. And I remember having like a drawer next to my bed of like food that only like that was my binge food. And that was like my comfort drawer. And it was just a moment of being educated about what binging was and realizing that, Oh, this is actually an eating disorder. And, um, that didn’t come until I was almost graduated in my undergrad with a psych degree.

Ryann

Oh my gosh. So what did recovery look like for you? Did you do it on your own?

Cilla

So, yeah, I transitioned from, so kind of like rewind a little bit, I was fully immersed in restriction and realized that that was an eating disorder first.

Ryann

Okay.

Cilla

In high school years. And then I had stopped binging. I was fully immersed in restriction and that came from like the bullying and the objectification that I received by peers and then started binging in response to that emotional trauma that I had experienced later in college. And so I came from a family where it was so normalized with binging and diet culture was just something that was accepted and they were fully immersed in. So I did not have a lot of support from my family with my eating disorder or even received treatment until I was about four years into restriction. And it was all done through outpatient level of care.

Ryann

And did you do an outpatient like where you live?

Cilla

So I am from North Carolina and I moved here to Indiana right before I went to college. And I did outpatient here by myself right before I went into college.

Ryann

I did outpatient as well and I think it is one of the best things. What was outpatient like for you? Like what did it entail?

Cilla

So it entailed a lot of unpacking some family trauma and some very rigid family systems disconnecting my comfort and the feeling of scarcity in my house and how I could cope and manage those feelings of just all of those negative emotions that I had without connecting it to food and beginning to process through those negative emotions and therapy rather than processing it with the food.

Ryann

What are some ways that you have found help with those negative emotions now that you cope with them in other ways?

Cilla

Yeah, so I would say I do a lot of journaling and reflecting on my own and really just leaning into more body neutrality and unlearning a lot of those diet culture beliefs that I grew up with and was fully immersed in growing up. And it was more about disconnecting my worth with my body and honing into some of those things.

Ryann

Was there anything in particular that helped you disconnect your worth from your body that you remember?

Cilla

It was the moment that I experienced my sexual assault in undergrad. I was in this abusive relationship for almost two years, and I was using binging as a way to cope with feelings of feeling like I was in control of that situation. And it was that moment when that physical assault happened that really just ended the relationship, honestly, for the good, because I was trapped in that traumatic experience. And I had that relapse with restriction and associated that experience with the idea that, okay, this person has taken so much control over my body and now I’m engaging more into these eating disorder behaviors to take that control back.

When in reality, I’m just letting Ed take that control from me. And so I wanted to take my full control back from not only my experience with my trauma, but also these years and years of really just being a slave to Ed and listening and honing into all of those behaviors that I was doing to find control. I so appreciate you sharing that. I don’t think that it’s talked about enough, the connection between trauma and our controlling of food and then exacerbating into some form of disordered eating and the way that, you know, it is this kind of push and pull of control and healing and it’s- it’s so difficult. It’s so difficult.

Ryann

When you were healing your relationship with food, I know a lot of people reach out to me that have also experienced like legitimate food scarcity growing up. What helped you get over that food scarcity fear when you were in a place where food maybe wasn’t scarce anymore?

Cilla

I gave myself permission to have access to the foods that I did love and I no longer associated that quote unquote junk food.

Ryann

Yeah.

Cilla

I reframed it as snack food and food that was desirable and was enjoyable, not only nutritionally but also emotionally, like with my mind, like that’s something that I was craving and I wanted to honor those cravings and not feel like I had to label it as junk food or good food. Like it was, it was just a neutral food that I wanted and wanted to nourish my body with.

Ryann

How long would you say that it took for you to heal that scarcity fear?

Cilla

This started when I was about seven and I would say early 20s it took until I was living independently on my own throughout college and kind of like towards the end of undergrad where I started to have more control with my with living in freedom and living by myself outside of that family system that I grew up in. So it took a good chunk of my life.

Ryann

Thank you for sharing that because I think that so many or I know that so many have reached out to me and have been like, Ryann, I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I have access to food now and I still feel these same feelings and I think it’s so important to recognize that it takes time. With that being said, I know that when you were chatting about your eating disorder, you mention it as Ed and you personify it. And I love that because I don’t know if you’ve read this book, but Life Without Ed. Have you read that book?

Okay. So I remember reading that in treatment and it was like, I got my hands on it exactly when I was ready to read it and like was ready to take in the words. And that book, I mean, it just, it felt like it changed the game for me because I never thought about separating myself from the thoughts and the disorder and personifying it. So can you tell me more about like what that was for you or like what that means for you?

Cilla

Yes, and so I didn’t know what binge eating was until just recently, like two to three years ago. And so I’d spent a large portion of my life binging on these foods that were so scarce. And then I was introduced to restriction by Ed in my early high school years. And I didn’t have that support from my family to know that, okay, this is not okay. I’m not nourishing my body. I’m not giving it what it needs. And in fact, I’m shrinking it and making myself less than what I am. And it wasn’t until I had that name of that disorder from my outpatient team where it’s like, okay, this is what you’re going through and this is what this is.

And it took a long time for me to accept that because I had been in this space of using Ed as a space of control and comfort and identity and disconnecting myself from that was very challenging. And I almost, I am Cilla and that is Ed. And so that was really hard for me and it did take some time. It wasn’t until I had that relapse after my trauma with that sexual assault and physical assault where I really was like, okay, it’s time to let go of this part that has taken so much control over me.

Ryann

Yeah, when you said I had to grieve, can you tell me more about that and like what you meant by that? Because it is a grieving process. I know for me, like I felt really bad grieving it because in my mind would be like, I shouldn’t feel this way. Like this is hurting me. Why do I care? So I would just love to know from you like what that was like for you or like what that meant for you?

Cilla

Yeah, I like to think of my relationship with Ed almost as like a relationship you would have with like a best friend, like someone you confide in and someone you go to when you are just having a really bad day or you just need someone to kind of like lift you up a little bit. And imagining a life where, I mean, I had been disordered, I’d been engaged in these disordered eating patterns since I was seven, like I couldn’t imagine a life without those behaviors or those self-destruction things that I was doing to cope with those feelings. And so it was really hard for me to imagine a life without having that support from Ed when I really, no one around me knew what eating disorders was and I didn’t know what they were for such a long time.

And it was just really hard thinking about not having that support from Ed, even though I also knew that was ruining my life in so many areas. And just kind of grieving that, that loss of not having that support system.

Ryann

Oh my gosh, a hundred percent. And not only having the support system for that, but I mean, what was it like for you going into recovery without having the full support of your family or your family, not really understanding?

Cilla

Truthfully, it’s hard. It’s still hard because they still don’t understand. Even now, like it’s, it’s my job to help heal others with their eating disorders. Like they don’t really understand the work that I do because they weren’t a part of the work that I was doing when I was recovering. And it’s still hard explaining when they say things that are triggering or things that they do that I’m just like, that’s a no, that’s a pivot for me. They don’t understand, they can’t wrap their head around what I needed and that support that I needed. And that also was a grieving process for me too, is just knowing that my support system at that time was my treatment team.

Ryann

What helped you get to a place where you were like, despite my family not being in full support, I know I need to do this?

Cilla

It was the moment where I had given up so much control, not only with my body, but also with my mind, with the eating disorder and allowing that individual to take control over my body and then having Ed taking control over my mind. Like I truly felt like I had no freedom at all in my life. And when I was finally set free from that relationship I was free in a sense from my body of feeling so abused in that sense but I wasn’t free from my mind. And that didn’t feel like true freedom to me. And so I realized that in order for me to continue to move forward and take back my control, I would have to have more freedom from Ed and let that go.

Ryann

Yeah. Oh my gosh. And since being in recovery, do you still ever get the urge to binge?

Cilla

100%. It comes from a space of it being so normalized for over 80% of my life. Like, yeah. And it just, it’s really hard coping with those feelings and breaking those, those rigid thinking patterns or that, that mind, that all or nothing mindset of, well, I can, I can’t make that choice and it’s the processing of I don’t want to make that choice because I don’t want to let Ed take back that control from me. And so what really helps me is using the the five-second rule by Mel Robbins. Anytime I ever get into that space where I just like have that urge to binge, I do the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and I’m like, nope, I’m not going to make that choice today because I know where that goes and how that ends up and I don’t want to be in that space ever again.

Ryann

Yeah. Oh my gosh. I totally relate to that. Other than, I love that you brought up the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I love Mel Robbins. She’s amazing. Other than that, what are some skills that you learned that were super helpful for you that you either found really helpful when you were in recovery or that you just still find helpful now?

Cilla

Yeah, so having that experience of restriction and the knowledge of how our bodies respond to restriction and our minds not knowing if we are restricting and not knowing where our next food is going to come from, our next nourishment, and our body going in this like full panic mode, like, oh, I got to eat everything I can right now while it’s here. I started learning more about intuitive eating and what that would look like. And now I’m able to eat more mindfully, and I’m able to disconnect my ed thoughts from my thoughts.

So when I am presented with that desired food that I used to binge, I and I have that thought of like, oh, this is bad food, or this is junk food. I don’t I don’t let those thoughts dictate whether or not I’m going to eat that food. And it’s been really helpful because I can portion what I want. Go sit on the couch, enjoy my favorite TV show and still eat mindfully. And then if I want more, I give myself permission to eat more. And there’s no underlying. Just self-destructive behaviors that I’m like in this all or nothing mindset, or I’m in this mind reading mindset of like, Oh, I don’t need to eat this food because it’s bad. And like all of those negative thoughts that come with binge eating and that restriction cycle.

Ryann

Yeah, I think your comment about pulling out of the all or nothing thinking, I mean, I think that is honestly one of the hardest things because that’s what keeps us stuck in the cycle, right? That all or nothing, I’ll just be better tomorrow and sitting in that gray can, I don’t know, for me, that was one of the most difficult things. Like, it was like sitting in the gray meant sitting in the discomfort, sitting in this idea of the fact that there’s no like perfect, right, wrong, whatever. It’s just like, I’m just sitting in the middle and I love divinity and I love like being like at this side or that side. And oh my gosh, yeah, for sure. So for anyone who is currently really struggling with binge eating, maybe they grew up in a family similar to yours. What advice would you have for them right now?

Cilla

So trust the process, truthfully. The process of healing your mind and the ability to find freedom is there, and it is available to you. And it’s not to say that that journey is not going to be difficult and grieving that disconnect from that family system that you did grow up in and that was so normalized like that’s really hard to break um especially when you’ve been in that family system for such a long time there are going to be feelings of hopelessness that oh this is my life this is how i’m how i have to live and to just like trust in the idea that you can find peace with food and you can give yourself permission to eat more than one serving, or you can give yourself permission to save your food and save leftovers for the next day, or you can make the decision to not eat that food in that moment and eat it tomorrow. It just is about breaking a lot of those really rigid food rules that your family has had to experience with the scarcity and the oppressive system that we live in with food deserts and managing the way that you do get food whether it’s once a month or twice a month and just knowing that you do have access to it.

Ryann

Thank you for sharing that and in honor of the Food Freedom Lab, what does food freedom mean for you?

Cilla

100% living unapologetically.

Ryann

I love it!

Cilla

Truthfully, like, being unapologetically you, not feeling a connection between your worth with your body and practicing that and giving yourself grace when you wake up and you don’t feel that is also important because we live, we live in a society that puts a whole lot of pressure on us to be a certain way and to present in a certain way. And truthfully, it’s exhausting and we don’t deserve to carry that burden around.

Ryann

So beautiful. So if anyone listening wants to connect with you, chat with you more, learn from you, where can they find you?

Cilla

I’m on Instagram at Cilla.hope, it’s C-I-L-L-A-A-A dot H-O-P-E. And then I’m also on TikTok with the same username.

Ryann

Amazing! I’ll have those linked below. Thank you so much again for taking the time, sharing your story, for being here. I appreciate you so much.

Cilla

Thank you for having me.

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Disclaimer: If you have or suspect that you have an eating disorder, please contact a qualified health care professional immediately. If you are located in the United States and are experiencing a medical or health emergency, please call 911 or call for appropriate emergency medical help.