Wanting to lose weight while simultanously wanting to lose weight is a tough mix, right? It can feel confusing—maybe even frustrating—trying to hold these two desires in your head at the same time. Can they coexist? Many binge eating recovery experts say no. What do I say?

Eeeeh I say that there’s always middle ground. I’m not anti-weight loss, and I never tell my clients they can’t want to lose weight. However, what I will say is I don’t think they actually want to lose weight. WHAT?! I know. Let’s talk about it.

In this blog post, I’m going to walk you through why I’m not telling you that you can’t lose weight but I believe putting all your focus on weight loss isn’t actually helping you. We’ll get into what I think you’re really after when you say you want to lose weight and stop binge eating, and how you can start making changes that actually stick.

How do you feel about your body right now?

In the Kite sisters’ research, authors of More Than a Body, most women answered the question, “How do you feel about your body right now?” by describing how they think they look. They’d point out what they—or others—saw as their worst flaws: belly rolls, love handles, cellulite, loose skin, flat chests. Basically, all the things they wanted to fix or hide. It was almost like they were being asked, “What do you fear others will notice about your body?”

Other women gave the flip side: they shared things they felt they achieved, like their thinness, clear skin, toned arms, or curves. It’s like they were answering, “What do you love for people to notice about you?”

Why does this matter?

Well, we’re Just Scratching the Surface.

When you say, “I want to lose weight,” that doesn’t mean anything. If it was as simple as just wanting to lose weight, it would’ve happened by now, right?

But nothing has changed. You’re still struggling with wanting to lose weight, and you’re still binge eating, because this isn’t actually about weight and staying at the surface level, especially when binge eating is involved, won’t get you anywhere.

Let me give you an example. Before Allie joined BEU, she shared this in our community: 

It’s easy to look at Allie’s situation and think, “Well, she just wants to lose weight. That’ll make her feel better.” Just like you might be thinking, “I want to lose weight, and that’ll make me feel better.” 

But will it, really? 

The scale might change, but it’s not going to erase the emotional baggage, unresolved traumas, fears, or insecurities. Those come along for the ride. What made Allie feel like her body was wrong at 13 isn’t going to magically disappear if her body changes now. In fact, losing weight might just make those feelings worse—because then she’ll live in constant fear of gaining it back.

And then she’d be stuck in the same cycle: restrict, binge, never feel like enough, obsess over her weight. Restrict, binge, never feel like enough, obsess. Round and round.

IMO Focusing on Weight Isn’t Helpful

When your goal is just about weight, you’re not making lasting changes. You’re not healing anything. You’re not digging into the root of what’s really hurting you. Your journey ends up being more about the number on the scale than actually creating a lifestyle that feels good and sustainable.

That’s why so many people regain the weight. It’s not about lacking discipline or willpower. It’s because that unhealed baggage is still there, waiting to pop up and remind you, “Hey, you still haven’t unpacked me yet!”

So what happens next?

Weight loss becomes about the number, not about your health. You start doing things that mess with your mental health—and probably aren’t great for your physical health either—just to see that number drop.

I mean, if it were truly just about improving your health, would the number on the scale even matter? Why keep doing things that make you feel miserable? Why keep trying something that has failed you time and time again?

Why Do You Want To Lose Weight?

Because it’s not really about health, is it? It’s deeper than that. So let’s figure out what that “deeper” is. Why do you want to lose weight? Yes, again, I’m really asking you—why do you want to lose weight?

Got it? Okay. Let’s break down the two most common answers I hear and see if either one lines up with what you just shared.

Do you want to lose weight for your health?

The first answer is, “I need to lose weight for my health.” I need you to really hear me when I say this: I’m not here to invalidate the fact that your health is important. And I’m definitely not saying you can’t want to improve your health. What I’m here to do is help you see what’s actually going to improve your health—because weight isn’t a behavior. 

So, do you really need to focus on losing weight, or do you need to heal what’s impacting your health? Maybe it’s time to start nourishing and caring for your body in ways that truly promote health. And here’s the key—you don’t need to be on a diet to do that.

Just because you’re not dieting doesn’t mean you can’t focus on connecting with your hunger and fullness, nourishing your body with delicious foods, moving in ways you love, drinking water, and getting rest. These are behaviors that genuinely promote health.

The most important thing we’re doing in this healing work is improving your health—and that includes your mental health. If what you’re doing to improve your health is wrecking your mental health, is it really the healthiest choice for you?

Do you want to lose weight to feel more comfortable?

The second answer is, “I’m not comfortable at this size. I just feel better when I’m X pounds lighter.” This one comes up a lot in BEU, because even those who start off with health as their main reason for wanting to lose weight usually have this underlying belief: “I’m not comfortable at this size. I feel better when I’m X pounds lighter.”

And listen, I’m not saying you’re lying. But I want us to get really clear on what you’re actually after. So you want to feel more comfortable—what’s making you uncomfortable right now, outside of your weight? Could it be the way you’re treating your body?

Maybe you never allow yourself to rest, or you never move, or you’re binge eating, or you’re not eating enough. All of these things actually affect how you feel in your body. And if this is really about feeling better, let’s focus on things that actually make you feel better. But if that still doesn’t feel like enough, it’s likely more emotional than physical. Your self-esteem, self-worth, and ego feel better when you’re X pounds lighter, meaning this has nothing to do with weight at all.

This is about so much more than weight.

Controlling your food gives you this false sense of hope, making you believe that the only thing standing between you and your dream life is your body. And so, going on another diet feels a hell of a lot easier than doing the deeper work.

It’s not your fault. You’ve been sold this message your whole life: your body is the problem, you’re a failure, and it’s time to fix it. So, of course you want to lose weight. How could you not, when you’ve been told that your life is the way it is because of your body?

But could it be that your life is the way it is because you’ve made everything about your body? I know so many people in all sizes of bodies who are living full, beautiful, incredible lives. If it was really about body size, then everyone in your body size would feel exactly the same way. And we know that’s not true.

In reality, the only thing standing between you and your dream life is the fact that you’re making everything about your body. You’re putting all your focus, all your energy, all your time into your weight, instead of into what you truly want.

“If I just stick to this diet and lose the weight, then I’ll finally be confident enough to do [X thing].”

Let’s be real—this isn’t about weight. This is about…

• Fear of rejection.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Fear of disappointment.
• Fear of failure.
• Fear of never being enough.

And simply changing the scale doesn’t eliminate those fears.. it actually exacerbates them.

Get Clear on What You Want

If you want to stop binge eating, if you want to feel better in your body, if you want to break free from this destructive cycle, we need to get clear on what you really want. I’m not saying you can’t want to lose weight while in recovery. What I hope is that this gives you the awareness to start digging deeper.

When I talk with my clients, the answers often come down to wanting to feel accepted, enough, or loved. Do you relate? Why do you want to lose weight? What does that number mean to you? What are you hoping will change in your life?

Sure, changing your behaviors might change your body. But if your body isn’t the measure of your worth and success, then what happens with your body doesn’t matter as much. You won’t be stuck living your entire life in fear trying to prove that you are enough. 

Imagine if you stopped focusing on your weight and instead focused on how you care for your body. How might you feel different? What might change? Remember Allie who I mentioned at the beginning of this episode? Well she went through BEU with me and just a couple of days ago, she sent me this message:

Allie’s story highlights something we all need to remember: healing from binge eating and caring for yourself can open up a life you didn’t think possible and THAT is separate from the size of your body. Because it never actually had to do with weight and it doesn’t actually have to do with weight for you either. You want something deeper, and by just focusing on your weight you’re keeping yourself from getting that something deeper. 

So if you’re still in the space where you’re stuck in weight-loss mode, take a minute to reflect on this: Why do you really want to lose weight? And why do you want that? And why do you want that? Keep asking yourself why until you get to what you actually want. And thennn what do you do? Start focusing on THAT! 

If you want a relationship: Instead of focusing on your weight – because you could lose weight and still be single, how about: 

   “I’m going to start dating.”  

   “I’m going to heal my attachment issues.”  

   “I’m going to improve my relationship with food.”

If you want to feel more confident – because you could lose weight and then just find more things that you don’t like about your body that keep you from feeling confident, how about: 

   “I’m going to work through my insecurities.”  

   “I’m going to practice things that make me uncomfortable.”  

   “I’m going to work with a therapist on my self-esteem.”

If you want to improve your health – because you could lose weight in very unhealthy ways and continue to damage your physical and mental health, your focus becomes: 

   “I’m going to listen to my hunger and fullness.”  

   “I’m going to build meals that make me feel good.”  

   “I’m going to prioritize movement and rest.”

OR, this is one that’s come up a lot in BEU lately, if you want more deep meaningful relationships with friends – because you could lose weight and still struggle with friends, you focus on: 

   “I’m going to put myself out there.”  

   “I’m going to join groups with like-minded people.”

   “I’m going to look for people with similar values.”

You want to lose weight? WHY? Get to what you actually want, focus on that, change your life. That’s how I approach this.  Okay, now it’s time for you to go journal!!