---

Connect with Chen

📲 Instagram: @chens_plate

📲 Tiktok: @chens_plate

🖥 Youtube: @chens_plate

🖥 Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/self-care-club-4/

Episode Transcript

Ryann

Hello, everybody. Welcome back. I have Chen here. That’s how you say it, right, Chen? 

Chen

Yeah, you got it.

Ryann

I didn’t even ask that. I feel so bad. I have Chen here today. She has been so sweet. I’ve been up, down, all around with Jack and we rescheduled, but I was like, have to make this happen because I just need you guys to hear Chen’s story and I selfishly want to hear the whole story. We were just chatting about how she shares little snippets here and there, but just being able to come on and share everything is going to be so powerful. And when I was looking at guests to come on, and I don’t even know if you know this Chen, but like when I was reading through parts of your story, just that element of it started as just health and like wanting to be healthy and then it turned into an obsession. I know that I relate to and so many people relate to and as we’re kind of in this era of wellness turning into this kind of like toxic obsession where it’s like, is this really healthy? I was like, okay, she’s got to come on. She’s got to share. So thank you for being here today.

Chen

So happy to be here.

Ryann

Good. So why don’t you just take us back from the beginning? The question I always love to start with is, what was food and body like growing up in your home?

Chen

That’s a great question. You know, I’m not trying to throw my parents under a bus, and I love them so much. Like, I’m very close to my family, and they are the most supportive people. However, growing up, our bodies was a topic that was, like, discussed in my family a lot. Not like necessarily on purpose. It was like, even like my grandparents would make like little comments here and they’re like, are you still working out? Like, you’ve lost a little weight or like, oh, you gain a little weight. And like, even if it was like positive, so to speak, like it just didn’t feel the most supportive, but it was just something that I was used to. So I just like grew up around it. 

My mom was always on one diet or another. So seeing her diet made me feel like that was like super normal. I just didn’t see anything wrong with that. You know, she would lose weight. Her parents would comment and they’d say like, Oh my gosh, you look so great. You’ve lost weight. So I just grew to associate like weight loss, good thing. You look better if you’re a certain size. 

Ryann

It’s one of those things where it’s like now hindsight 2020 you can be like, Whoa, body was so important. Like what a value I was taught to have at such a young age. 

Chen

Yeah, definitely. It was something that was like super highly valued in my family and like still is like my grandparents still make those comments My parents still make those comments and they don’t mean anything negative by it But it doesn’t always come across as the most like right Right, especially now as I’m like finally in a good place with like my body and with food It’s like those comments like bring me down a peg and then I have to like build myself back up and crawl back up that Ladder, so it’s not always the easiest. And I just hope that like one day when I have kids that I will create a very like supportive, body positive, body friendly, body neutral household. Yeah.

Ryann

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the story has to change somewhere.

Chen

I know. Right. I hope it does. Because even the same thing happened on my husband’s side of the family to like, they’re all just very, you know, body focused. It’s always it always comes up at a dinner like, oh, I’ve lost X amount of pounds or like I only ate one meal today and it’s not always a topic that has to be discussed but it very frequently is so yeah.

Ryann

 And not to digress but I always think like if I Immediately was like body and food are off the table, we’re not talking about that like a lot of people would be like what do I talk about? Like yeah, why do I talk about?

Chen

Yeah I mean I talk about this a lot on my Instagram like even just like giving someone a compliment like randomly like a friend that you’ve been seeing in years and you’re like oh my god you look so good you’ve lost so much weight why is that the first thing why is that the first comp like why is that even a compliment right I get it because that’s kind of like how a lot of us have been like raised or like what we’ve been surrounded by our whole lives so it’s hard to move on from that and like learn new things so I hope like I said that I’ve learned from my you know upbringing in my past and even currently like what’s happening in the media and like life and I hope that I can like change that for my kids because I would hate for my daughter to, I don’t know, like be in my boat, you know, 20 years from now and just be like, my mom’s on this diet, so I followed her. That would make me upset.

Ryann

Yeah, so how long after hearing these comments, did they really start to hit you to the point where you started to focus on food and body? Like how old were you?

Chen

I don’t know that it was a certain age. It was more just like I grew up around it. Like it was always a topic of conversation. So from like a very young age, I just like knew that skinny meant prettier. That’s what I grew up around and what I knew to be true. So even when I was like, I don’t know, like nine, eight, probably like eight, I was like already you know, a curvy gal and I’m a kid. I’m eight years old. Like so from a young age, I knew that it was normal to be self-conscious of my body. 

Ryann

And interesting how you pulled that from everything where it’s like, okay, I should be focusing on my body, right? Because that’s what everybody else is talking about. That’s what everybody else is focusing on. Like, this is just what we do. 

Chen

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even like kids at my elementary school, I felt like I was, and maybe it was in my head because I was so used to getting these comments from people that I loved the most. But I always felt like even as young as 8, 9 years old, there was already this judgment on bodies. And we are literally kids. We are still growing into our bodies. You grow into your body, even now, it’s really tough to be a kid and already have these insecurities when you’re still growing into yourself. It’s impossible. I don’t know. It’s difficult.

Ryann

Oh my gosh, 100%. So growing into your body at that age, like pre-puberty, pre-developing, did you start to change your food at all? Or was it more just like, I’m more aware of my body, maybe I don’t love it?

Chen

I don’t think I took any drastic measures. I just was very aware of it. It made me very self-conscious. I took that with me as I grew up and got older, like that self-consciousness never went away. And also when you’re young, like I couldn’t exactly tell my mom like, oh, I only wanna eat a certain thing. I mean, I guess you can, but I never tried. So I just, you know, ate what my mom gave me and looked the way that I did and was always self-conscious. Like, I mean, up until like last year, I was self-conscious in my body and I still have a bad day here and there, but I just kind of felt that like weight on my shoulders of like not looking a certain way. But I wouldn’t say I like changed my diet or anything, not until I was like a teen.

Ryann

Okay.

Chen

Yeah.

Ryann

Then what happened when you were a teen and then you went to food changes?

Chen

I mean, especially in high school, you know, you have those friends that like could eat literally anything and look a certain way. And I was always like so jealous of that. I was like, how can they, you know, eat all of this food and like look like they do. And I’m over here like trying to eat like a salad for lunch and I just don’t look like that. And I was very like comparative and again like a weight on my shoulders of like looking at everyone around me and comparing my body and what I was eating and what I was drinking. And like I wouldn’t say that I again made these like gigantic changes to my diet but I was like very aware of them. So like when we got to eat I would only get water because you know soda was quote-unquote bad and wasn’t very healthy and would probably, you know, again in quotes, make me gain weight. I think like the biggest change in my diet probably started when I was a sophomore in college. So up until college I hadn’t made any like huge changes. It was just like feeling that anxiety and the pressure and the self-consciousness of like just not looking a certain way. Which is a lot. 

Ryann

Yeah. And then did you do a structured program diet or was it just kind of I’m paying attention to my food?

Chen

It’s kind of like a long story, which I’ll make as short as possible, but I got diagnosed with Crohn’s when I was a sophomore in college. And for a while, I didn’t really do anything with it. But when I was a junior and senior, I really started using my Crohn’s as a crutch to cut things out of my diet. Because when you have Crohn’s, you have a lot of digestive issues and they tell you like, especially a few years ago, they had even less information on how to help with diseases like Crohn’s, colitis, a lot of those digestive problems. So a lot of the ways to like solve your gut issues was to cut out like gluten and dairy and soy and like processed sugars. And so you know, I went to one doctor’s appointment and they told me like, let’s start with a few of those things.

And I internally was like, great, what a great excuse to cut everything possible out of my diet and feel good, hopefully, internally, but also lose some weight. And it didn’t feel super unhealthy. I didn’t even know I was doing it on purpose. I was just like, oh, I’m helping my gut. So I’m going to cut all of these things out and start going to the gym because I felt like at that point in college, I hadn’t really done much as far as physical health. I kind of got to college and was like, oh, parties, let’s do that. And didn’t go to the gym, didn’t work out, didn’t walk other than to class. So I started going to the gym a lot more and really, really controlling my diet, overly controlling my diet. But it just felt like I was helping my gut. I didn’t feel like I had an eating disorder. I was just like, oh, this is health. This is the epitome of health.

Ryann

Yeah. Did anybody say anything or because you had Crohn’s were they like, you know, Chen’s just doing what she needs to do?

Chen

So my college friends like may have felt a little like uncomfortable with what I was doing and like wanted to say something, but it’s hard to say something when you know, you’re not fully sure if it is like a gut issue. Like I knew it was a gut issue. I went to the doctor and I took all these things out of my diet because of that. And what are they going to say? Like, hey, like I know you have Crohn’s, but like you should bring some of these things back into your diet because you’re doing it in an unhealthy way. Like it’s a very hard topic to breach, especially in the way that I went about it. But right out of college, first summer out of college, it was like when I was really at my worst. I did have a few friends kind of bring it up and they were like, it’s expensive to eat this way and it’s becoming like a little obsessive. Like it’s kind of hard to go out to eat and I don’t think I responded the best way.

I definitely was like, what do you mean? That’s crazy. Like, I mean, to their face, I’m like the least confrontational person ever. So to their face, I was like, oh my gosh, like, no, it’s not like that. I’ll, you know, adjust and like go out to eat with you wherever you want. Like, I’m so sorry that you feel that way. And then I went home, called my best friend and I was like, look at these psychos. Like, who do they think they are? Like, I am so healthy. So what if it costs more money to like eat a certain way? And so what, like, they have to pick different restaurants for me. Like that just makes them bad friends. I like really took offense to what they were saying because I just like didn’t believe it to be true. I was like, there’s no way they’re right. Like I’m just doing this for my health. It’s not for anything else.

Ryann

How much did cutting out all of these different things like affect just everything that you were doing in your life? Like I think of being a sophomore in college and having roommates and like eating together, going out to eat or like all of those other elements that it’s like, but I can’t go, or I can’t have that.

Chen

 I know for a fact that like going out to eat was the number one reason why I was like, I have to get better. Like this cannot be how I live my life forever. It affected so much, like out of college I was a full-time teacher, I was teaching elementary school art. I also taught yoga on the side just for fun, and I was running Chen’s Plate, my Instagram account, not full-time but just like on the side. So I was overworking, like for sure. I had way too many jobs for someone fresh out of college and I was going to the gym for at least two hours a day. So I would like go teach from like seven to three. And then I’d go to the gym from three to five. Then I would go teach yoga from five to seven, probably take a class as well. And then I would go home, eat my dinner or whatever it was, and then I’d go to bed and do it all over again the next day. And then the weekends was transplant, prepping all this food and like making sure I had like the appropriate in quotes meals for myself for the week.

Like following, I had a boyfriend at the time. He’s my husband now. So he stayed with me, you know, he would tell me like it’s even hard to see you because you’re so focused on not only your jobs, which are important, but all this food. Like you’re just so focused on going to the grocery store and like meal prepping like for hours and hours on the weekend and like prepping these very simple foods that going out to eat is like literally impossible. Like you don’t want to go anywhere because you’re not exactly sure what’s in the food. And obviously a small part of all this was my Crohn’s and my closest friends, my boyfriend, my best friend, were very understanding of that.

But they knew that I was taking it to a bit of an extreme. But like I said, it’s just really hard to tell someone that the way that they’re eating is affecting your life. Even if it’s just an eating disorder and then you add a autoimmune disease on top of that, like how are you supposed to tell someone that what they’re doing isn’t right when you don’t exactly know it yourself?

Ryann

Oh my gosh, 100%. I cannot imagine. How did Chen’s Plate start? Like what was the starting point of that?

Chen

Okay, so I started my account, it was Chenux of Chen, end of junior year of college, and I think that’s another big like starting point to a lot of my problems because my friend was like, I’m trying to lose weight for spring break, going on a cruise, like, do you want to join? And I was like, yeah, I want to lose weight. And I already had this like Crohn’s diagnosis. So I was already changing my diet. So I made this account and I literally just let like my best friend, my boyfriend, and like one other friend follow me. And I posted body updates like, oh, I went to the gym today, weighed myself again, lost X amount of weight. And I would do that like every day. And I’d post like what I thought was like meal inspo, but it was a piece of grilled chicken and broccoli and I was like, this is health for sure. I just like kept posting. I just like posted more like meal inspo and workouts that I was doing. And I started gaining like a little bit of a following. And so I posted like less vulnerable pictures and more just like meal inspo pictures. I feel like especially back in like 2017, 2018, those like really, really like clean, simple, tiny meals were like, that was it.

 That was what you were supposed to be eating. I was following a lot of these influencers at the time that were posting like this yogurt bowl with like grapes and they’re like, this is how I lost 20 pounds and I was like, if this influencer is doing it, I’m doing it. If I could like scroll back on my feed, you’d find some not so great pictures for sure. So that’s kind of where it started and then I think when everything changed for me, like truly everything was when I moved to New York. So I moved to New York, July of 2019. And I quit teaching, I wasn’t going to teach art in the city, just because getting your certification to teach here is insane. So I took yoga and transplate more full time. 

And I started managing a studio and and posting more like branded content on my account, like more recipes that were more like obtainable for a lot of people, not just like people trying to lose weight or like that more specific audience. I just realized how impossible it was for me to enjoy doing literally anything in the city when I was so like confined by my diet. And I was able to like slow down a little bit too by not also teaching art full-time. I had more time to like think, process, not work out obsessively. I think I had more time in my day so I was able to like walk to the gym and that would be like part of my workout and then I’d work out for like 30-45 minutes and then I’d walk home and it felt like such a long workout and it was but it wasn’t like as crazy as what I was doing back in Atlanta. So all of that combined, like moving to New York and slowing down and wanting to enjoy being in the city transformed my account, transformed who I am now, and I think like ultimately probably healed my relationship with food and my body, so.

Ryann

For you it sounds like it was a slow transition of I’m adding in these different things and then I’m curious just from the fear of what’s going to happen to my Crohn’s when I start adding this in, I mean how’d you manage that? 

Chen

That was definitely the hardest part. I would kind of like experiment here and there and I gotta be honest with you, like my gut health is not in the best place right now. And obviously I think a big part of that is the fact that I’ve introduced literally everything back into my diet and my gut’s like, what are you doing? You’ve been eating none of this food for like three years. Like where did this come from? And a big part of it’s like, you know, anxiety here and there that’s causing some of my stomach problems. And also just like aging as a person changes how you digest things. 

So it still is like completely honest with you, like it still is a big source of anxiety for me, just because my gut as a whole is not where it should be, but I think I pushed past all that because I just wanted to enjoy my life again. Like, it was just so stressful to be so obsessive about everything pertaining to my, like, physical look. There’s just so much more to me than the way that I look on the outside. So it was like fun and nice to figure that out, to like remember that there’s more to me than that and like remember that I have more to offer. Like even on social media, I have changed my content that I share like significantly in the last year and I’ve definitely lost followers and I’ve definitely lost some of that momentum that I had, but I’m much happier and much more confident sharing the content that I share now, which is more like body confident, body positive, open diet friendly, like not a specific diet, but like any diet friendly.

Ryann

Did anything help with body thoughts or body fears as you were going through this transition? Like I think of the biggest hesitation when so many people are like, I want to heal my relationship with food or I want to have all the things but I’m so afraid of what is going to happen to my body and logically we can be like you know I want to have more and this isn’t all that I have to offer and this isn’t the most interesting thing about me but words are so much easier said than believing that so I’m curious what helped you. 

Chen

Yeah it’s definitely easy for me to say all this and like I post it on my story or my Instagram people are like okay but how? First the like drastic change in social media over the last few years has helped me a lot as well. I unfollowed literally anyone that triggered me in any way. Like someone would even like, you know, post on their story that they like weighed themselves that morning and I would just unfollow. Just because it wasn’t what I needed to see. Maybe it’s what other people want to see and need to see but it wasn’t for me and it wasn’t for my like healing process because I mean it’s impossible to not compare yourself to other people.

 As much as I try not to, and as much as everyone tries not to, it’s like second nature to look at somebody else and compare yourself. With social media, I was constantly comparing myself to people that were on diets and people that were working out, you know, two hours a day and looking at them and looking at my body and looking at their body and thinking like, okay, well, if I do that, I’m going to look like this, even though logistically, that’s not how things work. So to start, I like unfollowed all those people. I went from like having a thousand people that I follow to like 150. I think also like as the media has changed and how society has changed as well over the last few years, like more people post body positive stuff and self-love stuff and ditch the diet content. And it’s really helpful to just like see other people doing it. Like I can say that I’m doing it or that I want to do it, but like seeing other people ditching their diet and gaining a little bit of weight and still like giving off an aura of like positivity, radiating joy. I’m like, well I’m not even looking at their body, I’m just loving their energy off of their stories or like a picture. So I noticed that I was like looking at their bodies less and just like loving their vibe. 

So I was like if I could ditch my diet and slow down a little bit, do things more for myself internally rather than externally, like maybe I could give off that same positive attitude. So to answer your question, long story short, social media was like a big player in all of this, like just on following people that I didn’t want to see and following the right people that just like supported what I was doing. I could say a million things like to try and help, but like sometimes just seeing other people going through what you’re going through and overcoming it is like the biggest supportive thing. And also just like obviously surrounding yourself with like friends and family that love and care about you. So over the last few years, I’ve been very open with my parents and my grandparents and my aunts that their comments about bodies and diets aren’t supportive to me. And if that’s something they wanna talk about, they can do it without me there. 

Ryann

I’m curious, how did you have that conversation? Or like, what was some of the things that you said? Because I know I get asked a lot like I want to do this but I don’t even know what to say. What have you said? 

Chen

I mean it definitely helped that I was posting about it on social media because they would see what I was posting and be like oh well this makes me uncomfortable so we probably shouldn’t say it. I think it started with my mom because she’s someone that I feel like very close to and we talk about a lot of things and over the years we’ve just gotten closer and closer so I think it kind of started with her. She bought me a scale for one of my birthdays, like probably five or six years ago. I guess when I moved here, she was like, let me buy you a scale for your apartment. And I was like, I don’t want that. And she kind of got upset.

 She was like, why? I’m buying you a gift. And I was like, and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for the gesture, but like, I don’t want to weigh myself. And we kind of had this conversation about why she weighs herself and why I don’t like to weigh myself and why that’s not supportive and healthy to me. And I’m going to be honest, like I can’t say that she fully got it. And I can’t say that they, my whole family, fully get it now because like I said they’ve been doing this since I was five. Like it’s unlikely that they’re gonna change their whole belief system in like a year of me saying so. 

But I started with my mom just like kind of making those comments and then I would go to my family’s in Israel so I would go to Israel my grandpa would be like oh like are you still working out and I would kind of like not deflect but like change the topic. I would be like, oh yes, but also this is going really well in my work life and then we discuss that instead because I just felt like if I was like continuing the conversation of my going to the gym or my diet or whatever then it made them feel okay to continue that conversation like at a different time or just like later in the day or whatever. So not like deflecting but just like talking about something else because like I said there’s so much more to me than how I look and there’s so much more to talk about than how we look.

Ryann

100% I almost feel like too it is letting go of caring so much about what other people think. Oh yeah. And I can only imagine shifting your content, being a little bit more vocal about body positivity and body confidence. I mean how have you let go of caring what other people think and just allowing your opinion to be the most important?

Chen

Great question that I don’t know that I fully have the answer to because I still have those days where I’m so concerned about how others are going to see me, especially when I go to Israel and I am about to see my family. I get very like self-conscious all over again and it makes me upset that I feel self-conscious because I don’t feel like that daily. I don’t know. If I had to like explain how I let go of it, it’s just that, like I said, and like I’ve said a couple of times, there’s so much more to me than my body. There’s so much more to other people than their bodies. So I made a very active effort to talk about other things with other people. 

Even like being like, oh, that shirt looks so good on you. I would just be like, oh my gosh, like you look so happy today, like what’s going on in your life? And then we talk about their life and not their body and not my body. In turn, I just felt like all of those things became so much more important than how I looked. Also something that helped me and it’s kind of like a little off topic, but just like buying clothing that made me feel like so confident.

Ryann

A hundred percent. 

Chen

Because especially with social media, you know, I would buy all these things that like other influencers were wearing or other people were wearing. Every body is different. A shirt is going to look one way on me, it’s gonna look one way on somebody else. We have the exact same body type and it’s still gonna look completely different. Not because of like your body, but because of how you feel in it. 

So I started in the last year especially finding clothing that just like made me feel really good because then I would just like feel comfortable, not even confident, just like comfortable in what I was wearing. And then it was just like one less thing to think about. I find that most of my like really frustrating days lately are when I put on something that either I’ve outgrown or doesn’t fit me right or isn’t meant for me. And I put it on and I just like hate the way it looks, I hate the way it feels, and I still try to go out in it because I’m like, well it’s supposed to look cute so I’m just gonna suck it up and go. And then the whole time I’m wearing it, I feel very self-conscious. Like I feel uncomfortable, not because of what anybody else says, and not because of how anyone looks at me, but because I’m just uncomfortable. That’s it. So when I started finding clothes that just fit me well and just like made me feel good, it was just like another reason to feel confident because I loved the way that I like felt in the outfit and I could just like enjoy the day without being so self-conscious. 

Ryann

Yeah, I love that. I think it’s such a great reminder of how powerful not only changing what you think about but changing how you treat yourself, how you dress yourself, like all of the other elements where it’s like, why do I have to wait until I get into X body to have these things or to feel this way? What might happen if I start doing that now?

Chen:

Yeah, definitely. The whole like waiting thing I think also helped with my self-confidence in that I stopped waiting for things. Like I would want to plan a trip to the beach with my now husband, and I literally wouldn’t because I didn’t look a certain way. And I would just be like, okay, well if I, you know, go on a diet, lose a few pounds, look a certain way, I’ll then plan my trip. I will like then do this thing that I want to do. And it didn’t help my self-confidence at all because I just spent the next six months looking at my body and nitpicking my body and trying to change my body and like I still wouldn’t plan the trip because six months would pass. Even if I had lost weight or even if I had changed the way I look, I still didn’t feel good enough to plan the trip and do the thing I wanted to do because I just like didn’t feel confident enough. 

So the moment when I just like you said stopped waiting for something to happen and just made it happen regardless, it like helped because for example, my friends wanted to go to the beach last summer and I was still, you know, on my road to full recovery and I had a moment where I was like, well, I look a certain way and I don’t know that I want to go to the beach with my friends. And my husband was like, just go. Like all of your friends are going to the beach. It’s going to be such a good weekend. Like you’re going to regret it. So I was like, you know what, let me just go. And I don’t think I even thought about the way I looked once that weekend. And like, not because I had like lost any weight, not because I like changed my body miraculously overnight, but because I just did the thing I wanted to do. And that’s really freeing and confidence producing in itself. And it was just fun. So self-care helps in the building of self-confidence and self-love because when you are doing self-care, like planning a trip with friends or buying something that makes you feel good or eating something that makes you feel good, it’s just hard not to be happy. And then you’re like, what’s not to like? 

I always feel very nervous on podcasts because I feel like I talk in circles, but I’m just very passionate about all of this. Like I could just talk about my story and self love and body confidence and body neutrality and all of it for hours because for so long, I feel like it was the thing to be a size zero and rock this tiny little two-piece and just feel confident. And you couldn’t feel confident if that’s not how you looked. But I’ll tell you what, I was a size zero and I had zero confidence because I still didn’t have that self-appreciation and that self-love and I still wasn’t buying clothing that made me feel good. I still didn’t make the plans I wanted to because I was still so self-conscious of everything that I was doing and how I looked.

 If I could choose to look a certain way, I don’t know that I would change who I am right now because I’m so much happier than I was during my eating disorder for obvious reasons, but also just because finally, for the first time in like 28 years, I turned 28 on Tuesday, I feel like I just couldn’t care less about how my body looks. I’m just like trying to enjoy life, you know? 

Ryann

And I think that that’s why you’re so passionate. I mean, it makes sense when you’re in this place of, I have gotten so much out of changing everything after I was in this low, low that sucks everything out of me. It’s like, how can I not share that? Like, how can I not try and help everybody or anybody just get a taste of it because it’s so good. But it’s really hard to see that when you’re in the low low. To wrap things up, will you just kind of share with us some of the positives or some of the beautiful things that you get from life now because you’re not in that anymore?

Chen

 Oh yeah, this is one of my favorite things to talk about because you asked me earlier, a tip I had to like get past a low low moment and it’s all those little positives that come out of passing that low, low moment. Planning a trip with friends and just like doing so freely without having to like plan your meals every second of the day. Going out to eat, number one. My husband being like, want to go out to dinner at the last minute. And I’m like, you know what? Yeah, I do. And it’s not because we like had this thing planned and not because I know the exact recipe of the item on the menu, but just because I want to go out to eat. I think it’s like more memories in general. 

Like I read somewhere that it’s hard for you to remember things when you’re anxious because you’re just so focused on like the anxiety that’s going on in your head that you’re not like taking in what’s happening around you. I don’t know if that’s true, but I read that somewhere. I felt like that was true for me during my eating disorder because I was literally not focusing on anything else around me other than my own diet and my own weight loss and my body. I felt like I was missing out on so many opportunities with my boyfriend, so many opportunities with my friends, so many memories. 

Even at a trip with my closest friends, I couldn’t tell you anything, any fun memories I had from that trip other than I was focused on my diet. I was focused on like making sure I had the proper groceries to make myself the healthiest dinner possible. My friends are out by the pool and I’m like planning my diet. That sucked. And that was a big part of my eating disorder was all this like anxiety around my body and food. And then now looking back, realizing that when I do go on vacation now, I’m just pumped to go out to eat. I’m pumped to like enjoy the day. I’m pumped to go lay out by the beach. Like I went on my honeymoon two weeks ago. 

And I didn’t think once about food in a negative way. We wake up and be like, all right, where’s breakfast? Where are we going? Let’s just go see what’s going on.” And like walking around and just like stumbling into a restaurant rather than looking for it weeks in advance. Other than like the couple of places I did look for in advance because I just heard they were so good. So I was like, yeah, reservation there. If you’re listening to this and you are struggling, the number one thing that I can say that helped me the most is that there are so many more positives and so many more memories and happy things on the other side of your recovery journey. 

Because while you’re in it, everything seems so bleak and scary and unexciting and then you’re out of it and I feel like I appreciate things infinitely more now because of it. I don’t regret any part of my life and I don’t look back on it with like a negative mindset. I’m grateful in a way that it happened because it’s turned me into who I am today and it’s made me very passionate about enjoying my life. Like the excitement I get over like a chocolate croissant from like literally Starbucks. Like I just get so excited because a few years ago, like even last year, like I wouldn’t have even considered ordering it. I would have wanted to, I would have drooled over it, but I wouldn’t have done it. So happy to be on the other side.

Ryann

Ugh, I love it.

Chen

I know. I hope that all my rambling can help someone get to the other side because the other side is great. 

Ryann

It is. It really, really is. So on that note, in honor of the Food Freedom Lab, what does food freedom mean to you?

Chen

Food freedom means happiness. It means joy and memories and just like fun things.

Ryann

I love it, which kind of summarizes everything that you just said. I mean, that is really what it’s about. I think it goes so much deeper than the food. It’s so interesting every time I ask that. It’s never really about the food. It is what the food is giving me and that is what is so beautiful about being on the other side. 

Chen

Yeah, you’re right. It’s so much more than food. Recovering from my eating disorder at the time felt like it was just for food and now it’s realizing it was so much more than just food. It’s everything. It’s self-confidence and my energy, both physical energy and mental energy. It’s just, it’s great. 

Ryann

Yes, Chen, if people want to find you, connect with you, see more from you, where can they find the places? 

Chen

Please follow me on Instagram. It’s chens, C-H-E-N-S, underscore plate. It’s also that on TikTok and Chen’s Plate on YouTube. I don’t really post that much anymore on there. Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Ryann

Amazing. I’ll have all of those linked below in the show notes. Thank you so much again for being so vulnerable. That was amazing and there’s so much I relate to and I just really appreciate you.

Chen

Thanks for having me.

Connect with Chen

• Instagram: @chens_plate
• TikTok: @chens_plate
• Youtube: @Chensplate
• Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/self-care-club-4/

---

Listen To More Recovery Stories:

• 132 | Colleen Christensen | @no.food.rules
• An Eating Disorder Recovery Story ft. Isabel Megale; @isabels.plate
• 111. From Obsessive Point Tracking to Food Freedom; ft. Katy Allen (@kallen_cooks)